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Accepting others: respecting differences and setting limits

Sultan AlmuhasinMedical review: Tatmeen team7 min read
أشكال هندسية ملونة تشمل أقواسًا وسلالم ودائرة صفراء وأجسامًا زرقاء وحمراء وخضراء.
Article contents
  1. What are you trying to change, and why?
  2. Ask what they mean, and leave room to be mistaken
  3. Accepting a child does not remove an adult's responsibility
  4. Do I have to accept myself first?
  5. When harm keeps happening
  6. Frequently Asked Questions
  7. Sources and references
  8. Writer and reviewer

You may love someone whose way of living differs from yours. They might feel comfortable with silence, prefer an activity you do not enjoy or make a choice you would not make. Accepting them does not require liking every choice. You can hear their view, leave their own decisions to them and explain what you need when a decision affects both of you.

You can also respect someone and reject a harmful action. A useful question is: Is this their own preference, a shared agreement that needs to change, or harm that needs a response?

What are you trying to change, and why?

Suppose you like going out on a day off while your spouse prefers spending part of it at home. You might read this as not enjoying your company or try to persuade them to enjoy going out as you do. Before drawing that conclusion, ask what they want from the day and explain what you want. You may agree on an activity together and time each person chooses. A difference may also remain that calls for a conversation about compatibility.

A difference is not a flaw just because it bothers you, and it is not without consequences just because it is a preference. A choice that belongs to one person differs from one that changes care, money or time you share:

What you are facing Example A possible response
The other person's own preference They enjoy a hobby you dislike, without neglecting a shared commitment. Leave the choice to them without ridicule. You do not have to share the hobby.
Two needs or a shared agreement They want guests over when you need rest in the same home. Discuss timing, space and an arrangement that respects both needs.
Harm or a breach of an agreement They post your photos without permission or repeatedly insult you. Ask for the action to stop and consider an appropriate limit or support, according to safety.

These distinctions help you understand a situation; they are not a test for judging a person. More than one can apply. You may respect their wish to see friends and object to a visit at a time you did not agree on.

Ask what they mean, and leave room to be mistaken

“I'm hearing that you need quiet. Have I understood?” is more useful than deciding someone is cold or selfish. Listen to a correction, then say what you think. Understanding a reason does not require agreeing with the result. You may understand their exhaustion and still need a fairer share of tasks.

Look at your own actions too. Are you mocking their choice, repeating a request after a clear refusal, or agreeing to something and then feeling angry that they did not guess you disliked it? If you made a mistake, name the action: “I interrupted you and wouldn't hear your explanation. I'll let you finish.” Acknowledging something you can change is clearer than declaring yourself a bad person. It does not prevent you from discussing the original problem.

The Centre for Clinical Interventions' assertiveness guide1 combines expressing your views with respecting other people's rights. It does not promise to resolve every disagreement. For a more specific conversation about a shared problem, use the guide to communicating with your partner.

Accepting a child does not remove an adult's responsibility

Your child may prefer a different toy or dislike an activity you hoped they would enjoy. Ask what they like and offer choices suited to their age and abilities. Every difference from you does not need to become something to correct.

But a child is not solely responsible for their own safety. If they are about to cross a dangerous road or hurt another child, intervene to protect them and explain what they can do instead. The American Academy of Pediatrics2 encourages choices between acceptable alternatives, limits children understand and continuing affection. Accepting a feeling does not mean allowing harm.

With a teenager, make choices real in matters they can take on. If you disagree about an activity they want to do, listen to what attracts them and explain what concerns you. Work out what needs a safety arrangement and what they can choose. Discuss an alternative if their proposal is not possible; do not present a settled decision as an open question. UNICEF's parenting guidance3 encourages listening, developing solutions together, trying one and reviewing it. The guide to talking with a teenager during disagreement explores agreements, choice and returning to a commitment that was not kept.

Do I have to accept myself first?

You do not have to reach complete satisfaction with yourself to treat someone respectfully. It may help to notice a harsh expectation, such as “Someone who loves me must always agree with me.” But a disagreement may also involve circumstances, conflicting needs or a hurtful action. Reflecting on yourself does not mean explaining every problem as a lack of self-acceptance.

If you notice a real difficulty, name it and choose what you want to work on: listening, apologizing for an interruption or making a request clear. You can change behavior without treating yourself as less worthy. The guide to feeling inadequate explores this distinction. The guide to self-acceptance in social life gives space to your preference when another person disagrees with it.

When harm keeps happening

You are not required to become more understanding before an insult, threat or coercion should stop. The guidance on harm in relationships4 distinguishes disagreement that can happen without fear from control and threats. You may choose less closeness or contact, while arranging necessary responsibilities according to the circumstances.

If expressing refusal could increase danger, seek safe individual support instead of making confrontation a compulsory exercise. In Saudi Arabia, 1919 receives domestic violence reports around the clock. For immediate danger in Saudi Arabia, call 997 for an ambulance or 999 for an ongoing assault or immediate security threat, as needed, using the Saudi Red Crescent’s listed numbers5. (Ministry of Human Resources and Social Development6)

In an ordinary, safe situation, try one change today: ask about the other person's choice before interpreting it, leave a decision that is theirs to them, or discuss an effect on both of you. Disappointment does not have to disappear before you act respectfully and clearly.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does accepting others mean agreeing with everything they do?

No. Accepting someone does not require liking every choice. You can hear their view, leave their own decisions to them and explain what you need when a decision affects both of you. You can also respect someone and reject a harmful action. A useful question is: is this their own preference, a shared agreement that needs to change, or harm that needs a response?

How do I handle differences with my spouse?

Before deciding they do not enjoy your company or trying to persuade them to like what you like, ask what they want and explain what you want. “I'm hearing that you need quiet. Have I understood?” is more useful than deciding someone is cold or selfish. Understanding a reason does not require agreeing with the result. You may agree on an activity together and time each person chooses, or a difference may remain that calls for a conversation about compatibility.

Do I have to accept myself before I can accept others?

No. You do not have to reach complete satisfaction with yourself to treat someone respectfully. It may help to notice a harsh expectation, such as “Someone who loves me must always agree with me,” but a disagreement may also involve circumstances, conflicting needs or a hurtful action. If you notice a real difficulty, name it and choose what to work on, such as listening or making a request clear; you can change behavior without treating yourself as less worthy.

How can I accept my child's differences and still set limits?

Ask what they like and offer choices suited to their age and abilities; not every difference from you needs correcting. But a child is not solely responsible for their own safety. If they are about to cross a dangerous road or hurt another child, intervene to protect them and explain what they can do instead. Accepting a feeling does not mean allowing harm. With a teenager, make choices real in matters they can take on.

Do I have to accept insults or threats from someone close to me?

No. You are not required to become more understanding before an insult, threat or coercion should stop, and you may choose less closeness or contact. If expressing refusal could increase danger, seek safe individual support instead of confrontation. In Saudi Arabia, 1919 receives domestic violence reports around the clock. For immediate danger, call 997 for an ambulance or 999 for an ongoing assault or immediate security threat.

Writing and article review

Sultan AlmuhasinWritten bySultan Almuhasin

Content writer and researcher at Tatmeen, working on Arabic and English articles across mental health and everyday life topics, including relationships, stress, work, habits, and family.

Tatmeen teamMedical reviewTatmeen team

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