Let us accept children as we accept trees—with gratitude, because they are a blessing—but have no expectations or wishes. You do not expect trees to change; you love them as they are.

— Isabel Alland
 

Wives long for it from their husbands, parents ask for it from their children, and friends pray for it to repair friendships that have ended. Who among us does not want unconditional love?

What is unconditional love? It is love that lasts despite all the problems, offenses, disagreements, and difficulties that may arise. It is love that asks for nothing in return and never ends, no matter what.

Is unconditional love real? Can it be attained? Is it an essential building block of a successful marriage? Is it a natural human need?

Or is it simply a mythical legend?

It seems like a biological need embedded in human nature. We long for it, but we do not seem to find it. Is the problem finding the right person or doing the right thing? Are emotionally mature people the only ones capable of giving it? Is it necessary for a strong romantic relationship or marriage?

Believe it or not, all these questions have answers, and those answers are simple and direct.

But first, let us look at the results of an interesting study.

In 2009, a neuroscientist named Beauregard used magnetic resonance imaging to observe the areas of the brain activated during unconditional love compared with romantic love. He discovered that unconditional love activates 7 areas of the brain and that this activity differs from what is observed during romantic or instinctive love. Beauregard concluded that unconditional love is an entirely different feeling from romantic love.

Beauregard’s study provides neurological evidence for something couples therapists everywhere know: unconditional love has no place in marriage.

Why should we not expect it from a husband or wife? There are two reasons. First, it is impossible for most people. Second, even if someone could attain it for their husband or wife, it would be unhealthy for both partners and for the relationship itself.

Imagine a husband who continues to love his wife even though she repeatedly cheats on him and hurts him time after time. What incentive would she have to stop hurting him? In truth, there is none. This painful, dysfunctional relationship could continue forever without restraint because the husband has no minimum standard for what he will accept: there is no limit to what he will tolerate, and his wife knows this.

When it comes to romantic relationships or marriage, we should all work for the love we receive. Unearned love—except for parental love—is not real, strong, or lasting. Conditional love is meaningful because it is earned, precious, valued, and protected by both partners.

If you have no minimum standard in your relationships, there is a strong chance that you will find yourself at the bottom. You will receive what you are willing to accept.

So, where does unconditional love belong?

In truth, it belongs to one particular kind of relationship, and it flows in only one direction.

It belongs in the relationship from parent to child, but not in the opposite direction. It is a parent’s duty to love their child unconditionally, but parents must earn their children’s love. This is what makes parenthood require a selflessness unlike that demanded by any other kind of relationship in the world.

In principle, then, we are innately wired to need unconditional love, but we can receive it in only one place: from our parents. Unfortunately, if we do not experience unconditional love from our parents during childhood, we will grow up feeling lonely in some way and on some level. In another way and on another level, we will feel deprived.

People who grow up without unconditional love from their parents will grow up with childhood emotional neglect. In addition to feeling lonely and deprived, a child whose parent’s love is highly conditional may grow up to develop depression, pathological anxiety, or a personality disorder.

Many people who grow up without unconditional love will, for reasons beyond their control, tend to search for that missing love in all the wrong places: from friends or spouses. I have seen many people continue for years to search for the special thing they did not receive during childhood. Unfortunately, they look for it in the wrong people and in the wrong ways, unaware that they can—and should—give it to themselves.

Unconditional love: a brief guide

- Love your child no matter what.

- Except with your children, be careful about giving your love freely.

- Remember that earned romantic love is the strongest kind of love. Maintain a minimum standard that you will not accept less than in your relationships.

- Make sure you are worthy of the people who trusted you enough to give you their love.

- Love is delicate and valuable. Treat it gently and protect it.

- Do not feel pressured to love your parents no matter what. Yes, they deserve more latitude than anyone else in your life, but you are not obligated to love them regardless of what they have done for you.

- Know that if you did not receive unconditional love from your parents, it is not too late. You can give it to yourself now, in adulthood.

Author: Dr. Jonice Webb

Photographer: Roman Kraft