I Want to Fall in Love: Preparing for Real Love

Do you want to fall in love but find it difficult to let yourself do so?

Or perhaps you feel that you will never find someone with whom you can connect emotionally? Or that no one would ever want a romantic relationship with you?

What can you do if you want to fall in love but it seems so difficult?

How to Prepare Yourself for Love and Connection

1. Learn what love really is

Are you waiting to fall in love as it happens in the movies? You may be waiting a long time.

Movies, television programs, and books are commercial ventures that want to sell and make a profit. To do so, they sell us a fantasy of love. What you are usually shown is merely lust and obsession, or even emotional addiction—not love at all.

Unfortunately, many people do not realize this and spend their lives waiting for a grand, legendary, captivating love to descend from the heavens.

This means they overlook the people around them who might become life partners and lead them to real love. Or, worse still, they throw themselves into addictive, destructive romances that may fail and leave them depressed and anxious.

Real love is a calm bond of trust between two people in which you are valued and supported for being entirely yourself, including every part of who you are.

by Sarah RicherArt on Pixabay

2. Discover who you really are

How can other people fall in love with you if you are so confusing that they are unsure who you really are?

The more you know yourself, the more you allow others to know and love you.

3. Define your personal values precisely

Of course, we are all a “work in progress,” meaning that we are constantly evolving. We learn and grow, changing things such as our interests and hobbies.

But beneath all this change lie our personal values, which remain constant throughout our lives. 

The secret to finding love is to look for someone who shares your personal values, not superficial things such as dress sense and musical taste. Sharing personal values means that you will approach life in the same way and agree on what truly matters. 

4. Clear out and organize your life

Do you spend time with “friends” you secretly dislike or do not trust? Or attend social events you do not enjoy but feel obliged to attend because they make you look good?

This is the perfect way to meet partners with whom you share very little, leaving you in one shallow, short-lived relationship after another—or in no relationships at all.

Be brave and let go of anything that does not align with your values. Start doing the things that genuinely make you happy, whatever others may think. You will begin meeting people with whom you can connect more easily, without needing to change yourself! 

5. Set goals for yourself

Many people become so obsessed with finding a life partner that they neglect the rest of their lives. They completely lose sight of what excites them in life. Then, if they enter a romantic relationship, they expect the other person to make them happy, rather than finding happiness for themselves through their own activities and interests. Then they wonder why it did not work!

Setting goals and working toward them means creating your own sense of meaning and self-worth instead of depending on others for it. Goals also place you in situations where you can meet people who share your interests.

6. Meet your new best friend

Yes, you knew this point was coming. It is the old saying, “You have to love yourself first.”

Except that loving ourselves all the time is a considerable task for most of us, and it may also seem unrealistic.

Try self-compassion instead. Research shows that it strengthens self-esteem.

by Nicolgiordano on Pixabay

Whenever you are hard on yourself, imagine that you are not speaking to yourself but to a close friend. What would you say to him or her? Does your tone soften and change? Can you at least offer yourself that much compassion and support?

7. Face your motives

Why do you want to fall in love? Is it because you are bored with your life and need excitement? Because you do not like yourself and feel that having an attractive partner would make you more appealing? Or because everyone around you has a partner and you want to fit in?

A romantic relationship will not solve your problems for you. On the contrary, it will only increase them. For example, people with low self-esteem often attract critical people who seek satisfaction by putting others down.

If your intention is not simply to share your life and grow as a person alongside a partner, it is time to start working on yourself. Buy some self-help books, join a course or support group, or seek help from a coach or psychotherapist if necessary.

8. Resolve your past

Sometimes we cannot fall in love because we cannot live in the present. Part of us may still be preoccupied with a former partner. Or we may have experienced trauma in the past, leaving us afraid that allowing ourselves to love someone could hurt us deeply. These difficulties need to be worked through, often with a psychotherapist.

Still unable to fall in love?

A good psychotherapist will help you identify the core beliefs and childhood patterns behind your inability to love.

They can also identify any mental health disorder that may be obstructing your ability to connect and form attachments.

A mental health disorder means that we see and experience the world very differently from most people. Examples include borderline personality disorder, in which your emotions are so intense that you end up in short-lived relationships, or avoidant personality disorder, in which connecting with others takes considerable effort.

Source: Harley Therapy

Image: by TNK PHOTO on Unsplash