Why Do I Feel Unloved?

Do you leave every relationship convinced that the other person never truly loved you? Do you always struggle to feel accepted by your colleagues? Or, despite having many friends, do you secretly feel that no one truly loves you?

Feeling unloved can be a heavy burden, the kind we often carry without outside help and feel ashamed to tell anyone about.

Feeling Unloved and Core Beliefs

You may think that you feel unloved because of other people. You choose your partners poorly, everyone at work is foolish, and no one can be trusted these days.

But you are the one who continually chooses these kinds of people and experiences. In some way, you are creating a life in which you are unloved. So what keeps this vicious cycle going?

Feeling unloved is what psychology calls a “core belief.”

A core belief is an assumption—often hidden deep within us—that we form about the world and later regard as fact. It may sound like this:

• I am not good enough to be loved
• I am too ugly, stupid, flawed, or broken to be loved
• There is something seriously wrong with me, so no one can love me
• Love is for other people, not me
• I am an awful person whom no one can love

A core belief lives in your unconscious, where it encourages you to live from the perspective it dictates.

The viewpoint of your core belief becomes the place from which you make every decision. In the end, you prove the core belief right without realizing that you are doing so. You end up living up to your worst expectations!

For example, if you have a core belief that you are unlovable, you may have a strong tendency in life to choose emotionally unavailable partners. Someone without a core belief that they are unlovable would walk away from such a situation.

Instead, you will use the experience to “prove” to yourself once again that you are unlovable. In fact, if a loving person enters your life, you will probably find a reason to reject them.

What Creates the Belief That You Are Unlovable?

We form most core beliefs during childhood. We create them to make sense of our experiences and protect ourselves.

Childhood trauma is a major reason adults may feel unlovable. This might involve losing a parent or sibling, a parent abandoning or neglecting the child, or a parent experiencing mental illness or addiction.

Childhood sexual abuse, in particular, leaves a child with a damaged view of themselves. Although the child was the victim, their mind reverses the situation, leaving them with a deep sense of guilt or the feeling that they are damaged or broken and that no one will love them now.

Did you have a seemingly perfect childhood but still feel unlovable?

Children need unconditional love, empathy, and acceptance to grow into adults who feel loved. Despite outward appearances, if your primary caregiver was depressed or controlling, tended to ignore you, or showed you love only when you were a “good girl” or a “quiet boy,” you may end up believing that you are unlovable.

Possible Mental Health Conditions

Feeling unloved may “seem” like a minor matter. But it is a very serious issue. It may contribute to the development of many mental health conditions and, sadly, is considered a major cause of suicide. Here are some of the problems and disorders associated with it:

• Depression and anxiety
• Low self-esteem
• Fear of intimacy and difficulty trusting others
• Suppressed anger
• Codependency or counterdependency
• Fear of abandonment
• Relationship difficulties
• A lack of identity or an identity crisis
• Perfectionism
• Addictive behaviors, including alcohol and drug addiction
• Eating disorders and overeating
• Social anxiety disorder
• Borderline personality disorder

What Can I Do If I Feel Unloved?

The most important thing to understand is that feeling unloved is a belief, not a fact. Beliefs can be challenged and changed.

Remember, too, that your decisions are what reinforce this false belief. This means that if you find support to learn new ways of behaving, you may discover that even small changes can bring you closer to love instead of pushing it away.

Feeling unloved is often linked to difficult childhood experiences that need to be processed, so seeking help is recommended.

[Stay tuned for the continuation of this article on simple techniques to help you feel more loved]

What Types of Psychotherapy Can Help If I Feel Unloved?

All forms of talk therapy can help you feel loved.

That is because therapy is itself a relationship that develops between you and your therapist. It is a relationship that helps you experience—perhaps for the first time—what it feels like to trust and be trusted.

Schema therapy and dialectical behavior therapy are particularly recommended as long-term treatments if you struggle to sustain a lasting romantic relationship. They are also used in treating cases involving borderline personality disorder or sexual abuse.

Many newer, short-term therapies can help change core beliefs about feeling loved. Cognitive behavioral therapy is the best-known form of therapy. It trains your brain to recognize negative thoughts without reacting to them in the moment. This frees you to take positive action instead of entering a spiral of negative actions and moods.

Cognitive analytic therapy (Cognitive analytical therap) and dynamic interpersonal therapy (dynamic interpersonal therapy) also examine how you think and behave, while focusing on your relationships as well.

Acceptance and commitment therapy (Acceptance and commitment therapy) focuses on helping you notice and accept your life and yourself. It also focuses on helping you recognize your personal values and then take the steps needed to align your life with them.

Source: Harley Therapy

Image: Free Vector