Thousands of kind people live their lives hiding a terrible secret. A secret buried deep within them, surrounded and protected by a cocoon of shame. A secret with immense power that harms no one else, yet causes them profound harm.

 

It is their “major flaw.”

The major flaw is a deeply held feeling or belief—rooted deep within you—that you are somehow different from everyone else; that something is wrong with you.

 

This belief lies beneath the surface of your conscious mind. Without your realizing it, it makes you do things you do not want to do. It also prevents you from doing things you would like to do.

The roots of this belief go back to your childhood and resemble weeds in their effects. It grows over time. Little by little, and invisibly, it weakens and erases your happiness and peace of mind. All of this happens while you remain unaware of it.

The power of your major flaw comes partly from your not knowing it. You probably have never consciously tried to put this flaw into words, even in your own mind. But if you listen, from time to time you may hear yourself expressing your major flaw out loud to someone else.

 

I am not as much fun as other people.

I have nothing important to say.

Once others get to know me, they will not like me.

I know I am not attractive.

No one wants to hear what I have to say.

I am pathetic.

Your “major flaw” can be anything. It is unique to you.

Where does this “major flaw” come from, and why do you have it?

The seeds of this flaw were planted by certain messages you received from your family, mostly in invisible and unspoken ways.

The flaw

The roots

I am not as much fun as other people — Your parents rarely showed that they wanted to spend much time with you; I have nothing important to say — Your parents did not truly listen when you spoke; Once others get to know me, they will not like me — You were rejected as a child by someone who was supposed to love you; I know I am not attractive — As a child, the people who mattered to you—your family—treated you as unattractive; No one wants to hear what I have to say — You were rarely asked questions or encouraged to express yourself in the home where you spent your childhood; I am pathetic — You were mistreated as a child simply for choosing to be yourself.

 

The good news is that your major flaw is a belief, not a fact. A fact cannot be changed, but a belief certainly can be.

 

 Steps to overcome your “major flaw”

 

1. Accept that you have it and that it is not a real flaw. It is only a belief or feeling.

2. Find the right words to express your unique version of “Something is wrong with me.”

3. Identify its source in your childhood. What happened, or did not happen, during your childhood to plant the seed of your “major flaw”?

4. Talk about your “major flaw” with someone else—your spouse, a trusted friend, a family member, or a psychotherapist. Describe your belief and discuss it.

5. Look for evidence that disproves your “major flaw.” I assure you that it has been there all along, but this flaw has prevented you from seeing it.

6. Track your “major flaw.” Pay attention and take notes when it “speaks” to you.

7. Start talking “to” your “major flaw.”

I am fun. I am interesting. People like me more as they get to know me better. I am attractive, and I have important things to say. I am not pathetic at all. I am simply myself.

Your “major flaw” is neither a real flaw nor major. It is not even real.

It lives on your powerful belief that it is a major flaw.

Author: Dr. Jonice Webb

Photographer: Pexels