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Building your child's confidence: encouragement that helps them try

Fahad AlmalikMedical review: Tatmeen team7 min read
طفل يقف فوق صخرة ويداه على خصره، ويرتدي عباءة حمراء ترفرف خلفه في ضوء الغروب.
Article contents
  1. Listen to what is behind “I’m a failure”
  2. Make encouragement believable
  3. Let them do the manageable part, with help available
  4. Is self-esteem fixed at five?
  5. When encouragement is not enough
  6. Frequently Asked Questions
  7. Sources and references
  8. Writer and reviewer

"I’m not joining in. I don’t know how." You may tell your child they can do it and that they are wonderful, yet they remain reluctant. They may lack a skill, fear classmates’ ridicule or think a mistake will disappoint you. Start by understanding what is holding them back. Praise alone cannot teach a skill or stop mistreatment.

Confidence in a task means feeling able to attempt it or learn it. Self-esteem concerns a person’s sense of their own worth. A child may hesitate in front of an audience while feeling good about themselves, or perform well at school while believing their worth depends entirely on grades. Aim for acceptance they do not have to earn through achievement, alongside real opportunities to experience what they can do.

Listen to what is behind “I’m a failure”

When a child says, “I’m a failure,” give them room to explain: “You seem upset. Would you like to tell me what happened?” If an attempt did not go well, you can say after listening, “That part was difficult. We can look at it together.” You do not need to correct the feeling immediately or counter it with a list of achievements.

A persistent reading difficulty may need suitable teaching and assessment, not encouragement alone. If classmates are mocking the child, listen to what happened and contact the school or responsible adult to stop the mistreatment and protect them. Asking them to become more confident while mistreatment continues will not solve the problem. Separate missing skills or missing safety from the child’s worth.

Make encouragement believable

American Academy of Pediatrics guidance1 supports appropriate expectations, recognition of effort and improvement, and acceptance of mistakes. Translate that into specific comments about something you observed, without inventing an achievement or ranking your child above others.

Instead of You might say
“You’re the smartest. You shouldn’t make mistakes.” “You found a different way to solve the problem.”
“It’s easy. There’s nothing to fear.” “Speaking in front of the class is new for you. We can practise the first sentence together.”
“Your brother can do it. Why can’t you?” “Let’s try an approach that works for you.”
Saying “Amazing!” to everything without paying attention “I noticed you tried again when the first piece didn’t work.”

Describe something that actually happened; you do not need to comment on every attempt. Your child may simply want to show you a drawing or play together. Enjoy their company without judging the result or turning every activity into a lesson. Time with you does not need to be earned through achievement.

Let them do the manageable part, with help available

Choose a small challenge that matters to the child. A preschooler might ask a familiar relative for a toy while you stay nearby. A school-age child might write down a question for the teacher, then decide whether they want you present. These are not assignments to cure shyness; a quiet child need not change their personality to be confident.

If they stop halfway through, look together for the part that needs help. A different explanation, shorter task or person they feel safe with may be enough. You might say: “You got started. We can try the rest together.” Do not increase the challenge every time to prove bravery, or withdraw an accommodation needed because of disability or a learning difficulty. Sometimes you can return to the task later; your child does not have to demonstrate confidence every day.

Is self-esteem fixed at five?

No. Turning five does not mean that self-esteem is permanently fixed or that the opportunity to support your child has ended.

A study in the January 2016 journal issue2 found positive implicit self-associations in five-year-olds—a tendency to link “me” with positive meanings. This limited finding does not show that all aspects of self-esteem are fully developed or equivalent to those in adults, or that a child’s personality and future are settled. The study did not test a parenting method or follow children throughout life.

When encouragement is not enough

Seek advice for repeated self-criticism, withdrawal from school, friends or favourite activities, or distress affecting sleep and daily life. These are reasons to discuss support, not a diagnosis of low self-esteem. Tell a pediatrician or child mental health professional where the difficulties occur and what has changed. National Institute of Mental Health guidance3 emphasizes distress, everyday functioning and safety when considering evaluation.

If your child says they are thinking about harming themselves or do not want to live, take it seriously and seek urgent professional help. With immediate danger, stay with them and call Saudi ambulance services on 997 or go to an emergency department. Do not wait for praise to help. (Saudi Red Crescent Authority4)

If the disclosure involves a recent attempt, possible overdose or poisoning, or an injury that may need urgent treatment and has not been medically assessed, get immediate medical help through 997 or an emergency department, even if your child appears well or says they have no further intent to harm themselves. Poisoning symptoms can be delayed. NHS guidance on poisoning5. For older self-harm that has not been assessed, seek professional assessment. For a history already assessed, continue the plan with the professional and seek urgent help if current danger emerges. NICE guidance6 supports professional assessment and follow-up according to the person’s needs and safety; an old event does not replace understanding how your child is doing now.

When your child comes back from something that did not go well, keep your connection intact. Listen, spend ordinary time together, and help with what they need to learn when they are ready. They can experience a mistake as something to work on, without feeling that their place in your life has changed.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I praise my child in a way that builds confidence?

Praise alone cannot teach a skill or stop mistreatment. Make your comments specific to something you actually observed, such as “I noticed you tried again when the first piece didn’t work,” without inventing an achievement or ranking your child above others. Appropriate expectations, recognition of effort and improvement, and acceptance of mistakes all help. You do not need to comment on every attempt; time with you does not need to be earned through achievement.

What is the difference between confidence and self-esteem?

Confidence in a task means feeling able to attempt it or learn it, while self-esteem concerns a person’s sense of their own worth. A child may hesitate in front of an audience while feeling good about themselves, or perform well at school while believing their worth depends entirely on grades. Aim for acceptance they do not have to earn through achievement, alongside real opportunities to experience what they can do.

What should I say when my child says “I’m a failure”?

Give them room to explain first: “You seem upset. Would you like to tell me what happened?” If an attempt did not go well, you can say after listening, “That part was difficult. We can look at it together.” You do not need to correct the feeling immediately or counter it with a list of achievements. Keep missing skills or missing safety separate from your child’s worth.

Is a child’s self-esteem fixed by age five?

No. Turning five does not mean that self-esteem is permanently fixed or that the opportunity to support your child has ended. A 2016 study found that five-year-olds tend to link “me” with positive meanings, but this limited finding does not show that self-esteem is fully developed, or that a child’s personality and future are settled. The study did not test a parenting method or follow children throughout life.

When does a child’s low confidence need professional help?

Seek advice for repeated self-criticism, withdrawal from school, friends or favourite activities, or distress affecting sleep and daily life. These are reasons to discuss support, not a diagnosis. Tell a pediatrician or child mental health professional where the difficulties occur and what has changed. If your child says they are thinking about harming themselves or do not want to live, take it seriously and seek urgent professional help. With immediate danger, stay with them and call Saudi ambulance services on 997 or go to an emergency department. Do not wait for praise to help.

Writing and article review

Fahad AlmalikWritten byFahad Almalik

Content writer and researcher at Tatmeen, writing in Arabic and English about mental health and everyday life, from relationships and stress to work, habits, and family.

Tatmeen teamMedical reviewTatmeen team

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