Why Am I Attracted to Narcissistic People?

We may all agree that we choose the partners we want to be with, yet we sometimes find ourselves repeatedly attracted to a particular kind of person. If you find yourself with a partner who has a narcissistic personality, you may wonder why you continue to feel attracted to narcissistic people and keep bringing them into your life.

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is a personality trait whose intensity and nature vary from one person to another, and it can sometimes have a positive aspect. Healthy levels of narcissism include sound self-respect and help you believe in yourself and your abilities. They allow you to assess yourself realistically without believing that you are the best at everything, while remaining able to understand and empathize with other people's feelings and thoughts. This sound self-awareness can help you accept other people's opinions and criticism.

By contrast, individuals with negative narcissistic traits have a weak sense of self that leads them to intrude into matters that do not concern them and maintain an exaggerated sense of their abilities, concealing deep feelings of weakness and embarrassment. Praise and flattery feed their narcissistic sense of self. Criticism and negative feedback often upset them, and honest comments may sometimes trigger agitation and intense anger.

Despite Feingold's theory of attraction, published in 1992, which stated that attraction is generally unrelated to personality, several later studies demonstrated the opposite. Astudy(Holtzman, 2010), conducted with more than 1,000 participants, showed a clear positive association between narcissism and romantic attraction to a partner.

Why are you attracted to narcissistic people?

1. It is no coincidence: You may enter a relationship with a narcissistic person because you found them attractive and charming, particularly if their narcissism is pronounced. Any of us can be deceived by someone who is manipulative and charming. But if you repeatedly enter relationships with narcissistic people, something within you is driving this behavior. You may be repeating patterns from your past or seeking to meet particular needs, however negatively you may feel about yourself.

Astudy(Jauk, 2016), published in the European Journal of Personality Disorders, examined the effect of narcissism on attraction to partners. Ninety men and women were selected and asked to rate one another's attractiveness as potential short- and long-term partners. The results showed that the most desirable relationship partners were those who received the highest scores on the study's narcissism scale.

2. Parents:Many people who are attracted to narcissistic partners experienced unhealthy parenting as children. Each person's ideas about themselves and others are based on the knowledge they acquire from their parents. If one parent has narcissistic traits and teaches them to the child through words, actions, and values, while the child must also behave in a particular way to earn that parent's love and attention, it is entirely understandable that the child would choose a partner who reinforces what they learned to be true.

3. Low self-esteem:If your self-esteem has been affected by your upbringing, previous relationships, or other painful events, you may be attracted to a narcissistic person who constantly disregards your opinions and becomes absorbed in other activities, making you feel that you are not good enough compared with them. Low self-esteem may also create a desire for a more self-confident partner and for experiences you could not imagine pursuing alone.

4. You have similar ideas:You may find yourself attracted to narcissistic people if you derive your sense of identity from other people's attention, feel that you are important and indispensable, and are pleased to let others engage in harmful or unacceptable activities. People with narcissistic personalities can identify partners who will allow them to take control, behave inappropriately, and remain the center of attention. A narcissistic person may see you as an ideal partner if you can provide affection while completely disregarding your own needs.

5. Excessive spontaneity:A narcissistic person uses various methods to manipulate a partner's feelings within a relationship. If you are not this kind of person and are more spontaneous by nature, you may be drawn into relationships with narcissistic people because you lack the ability to recognize what they are like in the early stages. People with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), for example, may find it difficult to understand underlying motives and emotional manipulation, so they may be attracted to narcissistic people because they do not understand the motives within the relationship.

How can you stop being attracted to narcissistic people?

Once you begin to understand the characteristics of narcissistic people and the kind of person they are attracted to, avoiding them becomes much easier over time. Here are somestepsand tips:

1. Set clear boundaries

There is nothing wrong with showing your partner empathy and care, but you need to make sure they do not exploit these qualities and that you devote your care to people who genuinely care about you. It is important to know exactly what you can and cannot accept in any relationship, which actions cross your red lines, and what would make you end the relationship permanently. A narcissistic person does not respect boundaries or limits. They may intrude on your privacy, seek to know everything about you, and disrespect your time and personal space. They will try to cross every boundary you establish and become intensely angry about what you are doing. This should be a clear warning sign that makes you question whether you should continue the relationship.

2. Strengthen your self-confidence

Developing self-confidence and a sense of self-love is a lifelong journey. Once you begin working on them, however, narcissistic people will stop seeing you as someone who can be easily manipulated. Building self-confidence overlaps with setting clear boundaries because, when you are confident about what you deserve, you become better able to establish firm boundaries and uphold them, and to recognize when a narcissistic person is treating you badly.

3. Avoid anyone who tries to control your behavior

You should distance yourself from anyone who imposes their opinions on you and becomes angry when you do not listen. Such behavior can escalate from criticizing your appearance to trying to control your actions or turn you into a copy of them. All these controlling behaviors have a narcissistic quality. The right partner will accept you as you are instead of trying to control all your choices.

4. Seek professional help

The more we understand why we do the things we do and why we are attracted to particular people, the better able we are to change our actions and build healthy relationships. Your therapist can help you develop self-awareness and self-confidence, maintain clearer boundaries, and offer an unbiased professional opinion about your situation.

If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to narcissistic people, have experienced a similar relationship in which you were emotionally abused, and would like support in processing it, do not hesitate to contact your therapist through the Tatmeen app for help strengthening your self-confidence and making appropriate choices in your relationships.

Download the Tatmeen app for online psychological and family counseling from the Apple App Store or Google Play. You can also register on the Tatmeen mental health website to access valuable information and practical tools for supporting your mental and family well-being.

Studies

Nicholas S. Holtzman, Michael J. Strube, Narcissism and attractiveness, Journal of Research in Personality, Volume 44, Issue 1, 2010, Pages 133-136, ISSN 0092-6566, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2009.10.004.

Jauk, E., Neubauer, A. C., Mairunteregger, T., Pemp, S., Sieber, K. P., and Rauthmann, J. F. (2016) How Alluring Are Dark Personalities? The Dark Triad and Attractiveness in Speed Dating. Eur. J. Pers., 30: 125– 138. doi: 10.1002/per.2040.