We live in a society governed by a masculine culture that makes masculinity a central concept and pushes males to adopt control as a way of life. This leads many women to feel anxious about their husbands or life partners. This culture and the concepts it produces, such as masculinity, do not affect women as much as they affect men themselves. Masculinity as a culture and concept teaches a man raised within it to view feelings as feminine matters that must not be discussed, lest his masculinity be called into question. As a result, men tend to deal with their problems and feelings alone and keep them inside, or their anger can go from zero to one hundred within seconds. Many men have learned not to show much emotion and that they are not even allowed to cry.


What qualities of masculinity does society reinforce?

Men also have feelings. They sometimes cry without us seeing them. They feel depressed, laugh, feel lonely, exhausted, abandoned, and disrespected, and of course they feel jealous. They may not know how to express their feelings. Sometimes they may be unable to understand what the other person is feeling or why, but they certainly have feelings. Do not expect them to change easily and suddenly become able to express how they feel. What you can do, however, is help them develop their ability to speak openly about their feelings. They also, of course, need to help themselves.


What is the true meaning of masculinity?

We begin reinforcing the true meaning of masculinity when we raise a boy to understand that his value as a human being begins with his ability to feel and appreciate the feelings of others. We teach him that tears are an important way of expressing sadness and that there is no reason to be ashamed of them. We help him understand that, as long as we can acknowledge and recognize our feelings, we can control them and face the circumstances that produce them. Denying our feelings, by contrast, leads nowhere except to pushing others away because they cannot understand our positions and actions when we simply do not express what we feel. He must understand that a person who can express his feelings is courageous, contrary to society’s portrayal of such a person as weak or cowardly.

I wish that, thirty years from now, if I had a daughter, she would grow up and marry a young man in good emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual health. I would love to live in a world where men can also come forward to care for their psychological health and are not ashamed of seeing a “therapist,” “coach,” or “counselor.” I would love to live in a world where men also want to become the best versions of themselves. I would say to every mother with sons: talk to them about their feelings from an early age. Help them express themselves and how they feel, and help them become comfortable with their emotions. Masculinity should not be viewed as a tool of privilege and control granted by society, but as attitudes that enable us to recognize our feelings and understand how to handle them. I hope we can enjoy a society founded on principles that allow our boys and girls to grow up in a safe environment.

Ultimately, the issue remains one of a social culture imposed on males before females—a culture that has made irritability, shouting, and a loud voice into a concept of masculinity, reducing masculinity to having the final word and being in control, instead of meaning being comfortable with

yourself and your feelings, and knowing that your place is valued because you are a human being first and, second, a partner to your wife and children in every sense of the word.


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