The Psychology of Emotional Crises

*In this article, the phrase “emotional crisis” refers to the emotional state left by separating from someone with whom we had a romantic relationship.*

An emotional crisis can make you feel as though you have been in a terrible car accident. It takes you through psychological upheaval and leaves you completely shattered, no matter how often you tell yourself to “just get over it.”

But why is it so difficult to move beyond an emotional crisis?Does it really cause exhaustion and physical symptoms, or are you merely imagining it? And why can ending a romantic relationship feel so bad even if you were not enjoying the relationship in the first place?

By examining the psychology of emotional crises, you can find answers to all these questions. Better still, you can discover practical tactics that may help you respond more effectively when your heart is broken.

Here is what you need to know about the relationship between your brain and emotional crises

1. To your brain, recovering from an emotional crisis is like overcoming a drug addiction.

We all want to think of love as an emotion. But when researchers examined the brain of someone in love, they discovered that while love arouses emotions, it is more than merely a “motivational state.” The researchers used magnetic resonance imaging to study the brains of 15 men and women who said they were in love. They found activity in the parts of the brain associated with gains, losses, desires, and emotional regulation.

In other words, the brain creates love to get what it wants. What it wants is the “object of affection,” so it creates love to drive you toward fulfilling its desires.

The same researchers found that it does not matter if a person is no longer happy in love. When they are going through a separation and feeling terrible, their brain remains in a “motivational state,” and the neural pathways are still expecting a reward.

What is truly interesting is that this part of the brain, which operates around gains, losses, and desires, is the same part activated when a person is addicted to cocaine. In both cases—when we are in love and when we have recently separated—we are very much like someone with a drug addiction.

Remember:When you are in the midst of an emotional crisis, you think like someone recovering from drug addiction. Although it is usually important to trust your ability to choose what is best for you, an emotional crisis is one of those times when you may want to trust your family and close friends. If they tell you that contacting your former partner is a bad idea, it probably is.

Find some support as well. Like withdrawing from drugs, leaving a romantic relationship is difficult, and each of us needs a support team to remind us, “You can do this.”

2. An emotional crisis makes your brain think in extremes.

Evolutionary psychologists are fond of pointing out that our brains evolve slowly and remain caveman-like in their programming.Consequently, when we experience stress such as an emotional crisis, our brains send a “fight-or-flight” signal as though we might be killed if we do not respond.

One mechanism of the fight-or-flight response is what is known as “black-and-white thinking” (also called “all-or-nothing thinking” or “splitting”). Black-and-white thinking occurs when we see things only at the extremes. In prehistoric times, this helped our brains in situations where uncertainty increased our chances of being killed and we needed to flee rather than deliberate over our options.

Today, black-and-white thinking is more often a source of drama than salvation.For example, if we know we need to leave our job and the prospect is causing us stress, we may think, “If I leave this job, I may never find another one, and if I stay, I will be miserable forever.” During an emotional crisis, the options we see may look like: “I will never find love again,” or “From now on, I will date anyone who asks because I no longer care,” or shift from “They were the best person I ever dated” to “They are the worst person on earth and have ruined my life.”

The problem with this kind of extreme thinking is not only that it causes us to overlook many realistic options available to us, but that it also increases our chances of developing depression. Black-and-white thinking draws us into a cycle of emotional highs and lows because everything becomes more emotionally charged when we think this way.

Remember:If you can begin to notice your extreme thoughts, you can also start detecting changes in your mood. Pay attention to exaggerated words such as “always,” “never,” “best,” and “worst.” When you find yourself using statements like these, pause and reflect on your thoughts. Ask yourself: Is this realistic? What evidence do I have to support this statement? What might a more balanced thought look like?

You may also want to try some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques designed to help you notice your extreme thoughts (which cognitive behavioral therapy practitioners call “cognitive distortions”) so that you can move toward more helpful and balanced thinking.

3. You are less able than you think to tell the truth about what happened

We all like to believe that we remember things exactly as they happened.However, a study conducted at the University of California demonstrated that even people with photographic memories do not remember things perfectly. It appears that our brains can easily be misled into believing that we remember something we did not actually experience and can distort the truth.

It is bad enough to leave the brain to its own devices when it wants to tell inaccurate stories. But what happens when we are under considerable pressure, as we are when a romantic relationship falls apart?

Stress hormones reinforce the construction of negative memories. A recent study at Arizona State University showed that the hormones “norepinephrine” (norepinephrine) and “cortisol” (cortisol), which the brain releases under stress, make us focus on and construct negative memories while neglecting the positive side of our experiences. The study was, in fact, conducted only on women, whom research indicates are more susceptible to trauma during painful experiences.

Remember:An unavoidable part of an emotional crisis is “retelling” what happened in the relationship to anyone willing to listen. This not only causes us to relive the pain of the crisis; it can also become a “story” we are addicted to telling and that, scientifically, is unlikely to be entirely accurate. When you find yourself repeatedly recounting the relationship’s details negatively, try to remember one positive thing for every negative thing you say.

Consider speaking with a counselor or psychotherapist who can help you tell your story in a way that supports healing and moving forward. Despite their good intentions, friends sometimes sympathize with and encourage our negativity and “righteous anger,” drawing you into a spiral of resentment before you realize it.

4. The psychological “snowball effect” may overwhelm you.

Have you ever been with someone you were unsure you loved, only to separate from them and suddenly find yourself devastated and heartbroken?

You may have kept wondering why you were so upset while being unable to control your grief.

If so, you may have fallen victim to a “psychological snowball.”

Psychological trauma in the present often triggers suppressed trauma from the past.Even if you do not realize that this past trauma has been triggered, you will feel it through overwhelming sadness and despair. Before you know it, the small snowball of the emotional crisis becomes a massive block of ice.

Remember:Observe your feelings. Do they fit the “offense”? Or are you severely depressed over separating from someone you met only a month ago? If your emotional response seems disproportionate, your past has likely been triggered.

Try journaling, which is an excellent way to create a comfortable space for the brain to reveal its hidden depths.

Sometimes, if you have been strongly triggered, it may be time to speak with a specialist.It is remarkable how sitting in a room with a sympathetic stranger can suddenly lead us to reveal experiences we had forgotten ever happened. It is as though committing to seeking help and finding a safe space acts like a magnet, drawing out what is truly troubling us.In addition, an excessive reaction to emotional trauma may be a sign of borderline personality disorder, which a specialist can recognize and help you manage.

5. An emotional crisis may cause psychological trauma, a serious condition

Like any painful experience, an emotional crisis may lead to psychological trauma, also called “emotional shock” or an “acute psychological disorder.”

Emotional shock does not only cause anxiety, fear, and a sense of unreality. It can also bring many possible physical symptoms, including but not limited to drowsiness, a rapid heartbeat, migraines, nausea, muscle tension, and unusual physical aches and pains. Love can indeed cause pain when we must let it go to move forward.

Remember:Read about emotional shock to learn about its symptoms, and give yourself time to recover. You really are tired and unwell; you are not merely imagining it. Once again, do not expect too much from yourself or make important decisions. Instead, focus on taking good care of yourself. Let go of setting a deadline for “getting over it.” Trauma comes in cycles, much like the death of a loved one, and it is better to accept that feeling better will take time.

Source:Harley Therapy

Image:Lailajuliana on Pixabay