Divorce and Children: Parenting Tips After Separation

Divorce is a difficult and stressful period for everyone involved, and it may continue for years or even a lifetime. At a minimum, parents need to rise above hatred and resentment during this period and accept the present reality as the best one for everyone involved. This allows everyone to adjust to the change with as little harm as possible.

Children may be considered the most vulnerable and sensitive party during a divorce. They may experience sadness and difficulty adjusting to life after it. In this article, we therefore discuss how to raise our children and help them adapt to their new life after divorce, so that we can limit the psychological effects divorce may have on them.

Tips for limiting the effects of divorce on children

These are some points parents need to understand and follow when dealing with their children, both to limit the negative effects divorce may have on them and to help them adapt to post-divorce family life.

• Explain the reason for the divorce.

When explaining the reasons for the divorce, both parents should take responsibility for it so the child does not feel responsible. Children often feel guilty because they sometimes behave in ways that are wrong and upset their parents, so they may believe that their behavior caused the divorce.

For example, we can say: "Your mom/dad and I have decided to divorce for reasons concerning us as adults, which we will explain to you later when you are older. Each of us will live separately. It is important to us that you understand that you have nothing to do with this decision, with any difficulties between us, or with our decision to divorce. We will continue to love and care for you, but in a different way."

• Help the child understand that the decision to divorce is final.

This prevents the child from assuming responsibility for bringing their parents back together or developing expectations that the family will reunite in the future. We can explain: "It is important for you to understand that the decision to divorce is final and will not change. Once we go to court, there will be no possibility of us getting back together as spouses. We will still be a family, but its shape will be different. We will divide the days between us, so you will spend some days with me and others with your other parent."

• Talk to children about the custody decision.

We should explain to the child whether custody will be shared, with half the days spent with the mother and half with the father, or whether one parent will have custody more often than the other. We should explain the reasons and avoid giving the impression that one parent has surrendered or abandoned the children—unless that is the reality. In that case, we need to explain to the child that the father or mother decided to give up custody for reasons of their own, which are often psychological.

• Validate the feelings that may surface during divorce, including sadness, anger, fear, and stress.

Do not try to invalidate or deny these feelings. For example, we can say: "As a family, we are currently going through an extremely difficult situation, and it is natural for us to feel fear, anxiety, and stress, and possibly anger. Each of us may become angry with the others. This is completely natural because our lives are going to change, and we need some time to adjust to our new life. Sometimes I may be able to understand, support, and help you, while at other times I may not have that ability, simply because I will also feel what you are feeling. It will be difficult for me, and at times this may prevent me from giving your feelings the attention they deserve. I hope to remain aware of this stage.

It is certainly a stage to which we will adapt. It may take us one or two months, and perhaps longer, but we will eventually adjust and become accustomed to it, which will make things easier. What you need to know is how much we love you and that we will remain beside you even if we are unable to show it or lack the ability to express it. We will stay together, and that is what will make us better and stronger."

Why is it important to prepare children for divorce?

1. To build strong psychological resilience in the child.
2. To enable the child to handle stress more effectively.
3. To prevent difficulties from developing in different areas of life, particularly education and social relationships.

Everything that happens in our lives, especially difficult events such as divorce, may ultimately benefit everyone involved and may be one of life’s hardest lessons. Those who learn their lesson quickly can move forward, while those who remain trapped in sadness, sorrow, and disappointment may experience more difficult circumstances until they learn the lesson that divorce was meant to teach them. As parents, therefore, be diligent students and try to understand the lesson quickly. This will certainly benefit your children.