Feeling Lonely: What Can You Do About It?

Feeling lonely? You are certainly not alone in that. Never before have so many people felt this isolated. The writer and political activistGeorge Monbiotcalls it“the age of loneliness,”as Britain was recently voted the loneliness capital of Europe by the Office for National Statistics. It appears that Britons are the EU citizens least likely to form friendships with their neighbors or build strong social bonds.

The psychologistJohn Bowlbyknown for developing what is now called“attachment theory,”believes that connection and intimacy are basic human needs, like food and drink.We seek connection and understanding. It is through the “social bond” we develop as children that we grow into adults and embrace life as we are.

Yet in our crowded, constantly connected, 24/7 world, many of us are completely deprived of basic human warmth. Our digital devices are connected, but our hearts and souls are not.

But loneliness exists for a reason, and from another perspective, it is something whose existence we should appreciate. Why? Because it warns us of danger. It is a flashing red light on your psychological dashboard. Loneliness is an alarm signal from you to yourself. It tells you that something is not right in your inner world and that it is time to stop, take a deep breath, and gently and tenderly discover how to ease your inner pain and obtain what you want from life and from others.

1. Get to know your loneliness

The first stage in overcoming loneliness is allowing yourself to feel it fully.Just as it is difficult to repair a burned-out light bulb without looking at it or knowing its wattage, it is difficult to change things in life unless we take the time to understand them fully. If you want to know how to overcome your loneliness, you need to know exactly what you are dealing with.

It is therefore important to work on recognizing and describing your loneliness.This approach unites and integrates your feelings with your thinking, and your primitive brain with your human brain, helping you process and regulate your pain.

Try these questions:

• What is your actual experience of loneliness right now, at this moment and on this day?
• How would you describe this feeling?
• Where do you feel it in your body?
• What does it look like? You may want to draw it.
• If it had a voice, what would it say?

Next, it is time to tell the story of your loneliness.Put it into words by writing or journaling, speaking aloud, or talking to a therapist.

• Is it temporary, perhaps the result of a relationship ending or moving somewhere new?
• Or does it run deeper? Were you lonely as a child, and what memories come to mind?
• Could your loneliness now be serving you in some way? Might it be a gentle compromise, a less difficult alternative to the frightening possibilities of love and hate?
• Does it keep you safe, or comfort you by confirming your negative view of yourself, other people, and the world?
• What are your theories? Perhaps you did not receive enough love when you were young and learned to retreat into your own world. Or perhaps, at some point, you came to believe that you were boring, unlovable, flawed, or bad. Or you may have had a difficult experience that left you afraid of being rejected, ridiculed, or hurt.

Listen to what your loneliness is teaching you. Develop some kind of answer to the question, “Why am I lonely?”

With some understanding of the “what” and the “why,” it is time to address the “how” of your loneliness.

• How do you create your sense of loneliness?
• What are your tendencies? Are you too proud or too afraid to say “hello”?
• Do you find faults in others so that you can tell yourself you are better off alone?
• Have you organized your life in a way that reduces your opportunities to connect? These “avoidant” behaviors are called “maintaining factors.” By avoiding the thing you fear, both the fear and the thing itself only grow.

Take time to notice how you assess your social interactions.For example, if you speak to someone and they show no interest, you might decide that they are rude and go on your way. Or you might think they are extremely shy or preoccupied with their own problems, which invites compassion. Lonely people, however, are more likely to interpret such responses as personal rejection: “They do not like me.” Lonely people are highly alert, almost expecting to be insulted or excluded. They misread situations and take on blame and shame, activating all the old self-reproach, depression, and further withdrawal.

2. Get to know yourself

The problem with loneliness is that it feeds itself, sending out an energy of neediness that says, “I want you to take my pain away and do all my work for me. I want you to know me so that I do not have to know myself.”

One client said that she sometimes feels like a vampire in a social situation. The hunger repels others, making the loneliness worse and the hunger stronger.

It is time to stop this vicious cycle. You may have isolated yourself and shut yourself away. Your depression numbs the pain of being alone, as do alcohol and drugs. Or perhaps the opposite happens to you. You are on constant high alert, trying to obtain everything, continually changing homes, jobs, life partners, and high-energy pursuits. Another client who is constantly busy describes feeling as though she is always running away from a large, dark cloud.

Whatever strategies you use to escape from yourself, it is time to stop, right now, and face yourself.

• Who are you, anyway?
• What facts and arguments are there for and against you?
• Are you really so bad?
• Can you tame your destructive inner critic, challenge it, and soften it, developing kindness and compassion toward yourself in its place?

by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash

No matter who you are or what you have done, you belong in this world. Your life deserves to be lived fully. Come as you are—perfect in your imperfection.

All of this takes time. Getting to know ourselves is, of course, a lifelong journey.Along the way, however, you may find that you have learned to appreciate what the English poetWordsworth called “the bliss of solitude”. A quiet evening without interruption—or perhaps, better still, an entire weekend. A table for one. A hotel room of your own. A solitary walk along the beach.

When you become comfortable with situations like these, when you are alone but no longer lonely, then, paradoxically and miraculously, people appear in your life. Your self-acceptance becomes a remarkable magnet.

3. Get to know others

Once you are at peace with yourself, it is time to show yourself to others as you are. If you believe your social skills are weak, remember that all skills can be learned and improve with practice. It is time to go out into the world and connect with other human beings.

by Ben Duchac on Unsplash

There is nothing wrong with connecting with our substitutes—pets, stuffed animals, late-night radio, celebrities, or God—but here and now, we need real human beings of flesh and blood. As with many things, you learn how to do it by doing it.

Try alternatives to your old patterns of thought and behavior. Take some risks.

You will make mistakes. Your encounters will not always go well.Some people will disappoint, frustrate, or reject you. All of this is completely normal. It is better to be in the game, learning about life's highs and lows, than to walk along its margins.

Start slowly.If you have been alone for a long time and suddenly find yourself at a party, you may feel like a beginner skier on a difficult slope. The fear could put you off skiing for life. Start slowly, on the easier social slopes. Take simple steps with people who are already in your world.

Get used to talking to the people you meet.Say something to the person at the checkout—anything, but say it with a smile. Volunteer, enroll in a course, or try meetup sites, dating sites, or cultural event sites. It is not difficult to find people—there are 7 billion of them out there.

With every person you meet, you do not have to be charming, clever, or interesting.You only need to be at ease and happy to offer some positive energy without demanding anything in return.

Your experience of loneliness may give you a unique sensitivity to the loneliness of others.Lonely people are often hidden at the margins, but you can recognize them. So return the favor: approach them and give them the gift of your new positive energy, which looks like love. By giving, you will receive; by receiving, give. The opposite of loneliness will blossom wherever you go.

Source:Harley Therapy

Image: byBryan Minear on Unsplash