How Do We Heal from the Shock of Betrayal?

I would argue that no experience causes psychological pain like the shock of betrayal: first, because it is intentional; and second, because it does not come from an enemy but from someone close to you whom you trusted with your very self. Being stabbed in the back is treachery, but turning around to discover that the person responsible is a compatriot you struggle for who conspires against you, an uncle with whom you entrusted your money who steals from you, or a friend for whom you would sacrifice your life who undermines your standing—that is betrayal itself.

Betrayal is not limited to physical or material harm that may be done to you. It also includes the psychological abuse and violation of the relationship between the betrayer and the betrayed person, with immense and far-reaching emotional, cognitive, and relational effects. It is an experience that tears apart our inner beliefs and severs our bonds with others. The experience may be public, such as governments betraying their people, or personal and directed specifically at you, shaking your trust in people, your view of life, and your perception of yourself. You may blame yourself mercilessly for failing to foresee the betrayal and because the betrayer exploited your dependence on them, drawing their weapon from your own pocket.

People need trust as a fundamental psychological component of continuing to live and form cooperative, constructive bonds with others. Trust in others is central to psychological well-being, while its absence gives rise to paranoid illnesses such as schizophrenia and paranoid personality disorder. Trust is also central to the development of societies: where it is present, societies are cooperative and governed by mutually beneficial relationships; where it is absent, relationships become destructive and societies become powerless. In studies of "social capital," researchers asked members of the public, "Do you believe you can trust other people?" In Norway, 65% of respondents answered yes, compared with only 2% in Brazil. In societies where people do not trust one another, crime, poverty, and corruption become widespread. People lose their motivation to work hard, strive, and pursue self-fulfillment, and these societies are marked by substantial economic disparities among their populations.

How could we fall asleep without trust? How could we entrust our money to others or let our children leave home if we could not think well of other people? Unfortunately, someone may sometimes violate the trust you placed in them. When that happens, it is essential to do the following:

• Take care of yourself after the betrayal, treat yourself gently, and do not blame yourself for having trusted someone. The basic principle is to think well of people until proven otherwise (Indeed, some suspicion is sinful).
• Do not allow the betrayer to place responsibility on you or offer excuses and justifications for the betrayal ("I went out with another woman because my wife is difficult," "Unguarded money teaches people to steal," etc.). It is essential to understand that betrayal is the betrayer’s wrongdoing, not yours, and that the two of you do not bear equal or equivalent responsibility for it.
• We cannot control others or prevent them from hurting us. We should not place our recovery in their hands or wait for them to apologize or correct what they have done.
• It is essential not to deceive yourself by becoming blind to what happened, nor to waste away in grief by allowing the experience to destroy you. Conflicting feelings about what happened may overwhelm you. Be patient with difficult emotions and work through them without denial.
• Do not betray yourself: because of your love for or dependence on the betrayer, they may expect you to betray yourself and overlook what they did so that your needs will continue to be met, or because they believe you cannot confront them. Do not betray yourself, and do not betray the person who betrayed you by taking revenge behind their back. Instead, arm yourself with the strength of your loyalty. Do not hesitate to call the betrayal by its true name and confront the person who betrayed you until they acknowledge it, apologize, turn back, ask for forgiveness, and work hard to earn your trust again.
• You need to understand that you cannot change the past. Do not spend your time and energy wishing the betrayal had never happened. Instead, try to protect your safety and personal boundaries, and focus on your future goals—or adjust them to suit your new circumstances after this breach in your relationship.
• Do not generalize your conclusions from the experience of betrayal by isolating yourself and becoming suspicious of everyone, as this could cost you opportunities to build new relationships with kind and loyal people.

I will conclude with a message to every betrayer: you may be skilled at hiding the traces of your betrayal, genuinely clever enough to cover it up, or always ready with words that turn the facts upside down when the truth about you is revealed. In reality, however, you are a coward who lacks the values of courage and loyalty. Reconsider your values as a human being, and feel the weight on your shoulders, for they will not bear the burden of every doubt that settles in someone’s heart because of your betrayal.

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