I'm Not Sad, Hurt, or Angry—Just Empty

It seems as though I have no feelings. I often feel numb.

Something is missing in me.

I have no idea how I feel about anything.

Sometimes I feel as though my chest is hollow.

I feel empty inside.

What appears to be five different statements is actually five people describing the same feeling. Each person speaks about it differently because there are no specific words to describe it. Yet for these five people, and thousands of others, it is the same feeling arising from the same problem.

The word that sums it up well is:

Empty

Of all the emotions a person can experience, "emotional emptiness" is among the most distressing. To feel empty is to feel incomplete. It is the feeling that something is absent or missing inside you—that you are different, separate, alone, lacking something, and numb.

It is a feeling that drives people to do countless unhealthy things, such as overeating, drinking excessively, overspending, or even turning to drugs. It gradually and silently consumes a person's happiness, energy, and self-confidence. It can remain outside the person's awareness while carrying immense power to worsen their quality of life.

Like any feeling, "emotional emptiness" tells us something about ourselves. It tells us that something essential is missing—something we need to attain happiness and self-fulfillment. Is that missing thing different from one person to another? I do not think so. The missing element is the same for everyone who feels "empty." What is missing is:

Feelings/emotions

Through talking with many people who experience "emotional emptiness," I have been able to identify what I believe lies behind this feeling. It is a childhood experience they all shared, but few can remember. It ischildhood emotional neglect. Each of these people grew up in a home where their feelings were not sufficiently accepted, responded to, or validated.

Our emotions are hardwired into us. They are the deepest personal and biological part of who we are. When you are raised by parents who neglect your feelings, dismiss their importance, or fail to respond to them, you quickly learn to do the same for yourself. This is not a conscious choice for a child. It is an invisible message with an invisible power. The child adapts to the situation by ignoring their feelings, dismissing their importance, and failing to respond to them.

As an adult, therefore, when you feel "empty," what is missing is the same thing that was missing in your childhood: acceptance of your feelings, responsiveness to or awareness of them, and their validation or affirmation. But now, in adulthood, you do not need that acceptance from your parents. You need it from yourself.

You may now say to me, "But I do have feelings. Why do I still feel empty?"

Imagine a wall inside you. Your feelings are on one side of the wall, and you are on the other. Your feelings exist, and they are real. Sometimes one of those feelings breaks through the wall and you experience it, but the wall is still there.

Signs that you have "emotional emptiness":

- Sometimes you physically feel an empty space inside you.

- You feel uncomfortable with emotions or with appearing needy.

- Sometimes you feel unable to experience emotions.

- You question the meaning and purpose of your life.

- For no apparent reason, you sometimes wonder whether you still want to live.

- You have a vague or confusing sense that you are different from others.

- Some essential elements are missing or absent from your life.

- Deep inside, you feel alone.

If you feel this article applies to you, please know this: Yes, something is missing. Yes, it is something essential. You are not needy or numb. You are not different, and you are not alone. Everything you need to fill yourself is already inside you, waiting for you to open your eyes, bring down that wall, and look.

Feeling is the fuel of life. If we were not given it during childhood, we must provide it for ourselves as adults. Otherwise, we will find ourselves running on an empty tank.

Author:Dr. Jonice Webb

Photographer:Isaac Holmgren