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Alexithymia: difficulty identifying and describing feelings

Alanoud AlturkiMedical review: Tatmeen team6 min read
امرأة تحيط بها أقنعة متشققة لوجوه بتعابير مختلفة بين ضوء دافئ وسحب داكنة.
Article contents
  1. Describe the difficulty before adopting a label
  2. A simple way to begin describing
  3. When someone close to you asks
  4. Does childhood explain it?
  5. When assessment may help
  6. Frequently Asked Questions
  7. Sources and references
  8. Writer and reviewer

You may know a day was difficult but hesitate when someone asks, “How did you feel?” You describe the events or say you were tired, without finding a closer word. This difficulty does not mean you have no feelings or do not care about other people.

Alexithymia describes difficulty identifying feelings and putting them into words. It may include difficulty distinguishing feelings from accompanying bodily sensations. Using this term does not establish the cause or identify the right treatment.

Describe the difficulty before adopting a label

“I feel something but cannot name it,” “I know my feeling but cannot explain it,” and “I do not feel anything clear right now” describe different experiences. Someone may also withhold feelings because the listener feels unsafe, while knowing perfectly well what they feel.

You may know you are angry but stay quiet because speaking to this person could expose you to ridicule or harm. More emotion words are insufficient in that situation; you also need someone you can speak with safely. If writing or drawing helps you describe the experience more easily than talking, you can begin there.

A simple way to begin describing

Choose a recent, manageable event, rather than your most painful memory. You could start with:

This happened… Afterwards I wanted to move closer/move away/talk/be quiet. The nearest feeling might be… but I am not sure.

For example: “When the meeting time changed at the last minute, I wanted to put my phone away. Perhaps I was disappointed because I had arranged my day around it, or angry because I had not been told earlier.” You do not have to settle the answer. It may become clearer later or through conversation. “I do not know” can remain an honest answer.

If body descriptions help, add something like “I noticed tension, heat or heaviness.” If they increase distress, leave them out and attend to something familiar around you. There is no fixed map from body sensation to emotion, and a concerning physical symptom needs appropriate medical attention.

This is a way to begin a conversation. Repeating it does not promise to remove the difficulty. You can speak to someone safe instead of writing, use broad words or stop.

When someone close to you asks

“How do you feel?” may be too broad to answer right now. You could say, “I cannot find the word, but the situation upset me and I need time to understand it,” or “I can tell you what happened. Help me describe it without deciding the feeling for me.”

If you are asking, try a smaller question: “What bothered you most about the meeting?” or “Would you like to talk now or later?” Leave room for an unfinished answer. The speed of a reply does not establish how much someone cares, and one incident cannot justify labelling someone close to you. Difficulty expressing feelings also does not make insults or neglect of another person’s needs acceptable. Agreeing on a time or way to talk can help avoid leaving the conversation unresolved every time.

Does childhood explain it?

How you learned to talk about feelings and your life experiences may be relevant. They do not establish that your parents neglected you or that one past event explains everything. A research association does not prove an individual cause.

Start with what you know: has the difficulty been present for years or appeared recently? Does it happen with everyone, or when speaking feels unsafe? Are there changes in mood, sleep, health or medication? These details help an assessment; their answers are not a self-diagnosis.

When assessment may help

Discuss repeated difficulty with a mental health professional if it affects relationships or prevents you from explaining distress and getting help. You might begin: “I can describe events, but I need help understanding my feelings.” A recent change, physical symptoms or a medication change also warrants a health review. Do not stop medication on your own.

Sudden difficulty speaking or understanding speech, or sudden weakness in the face or an arm, needs immediate emergency help. Do not explain it as difficulty describing emotions. In Saudi Arabia, call an ambulance on 997 and do not drive yourself. (NHS: Stroke symptoms; Saudi Red Crescent Authority)

One incident or an online test cannot establish a cause or treatment. Research measures need interpretation too: a study of the Toronto Alexithymia Scale’s content1 examined how well its items measured their intended concepts and identified reasons for caution. A measure may be part of an assessment, but its score cannot sum up your personality, establish a childhood cause or show which treatment suits you.

You do not need the correct term or a finished explanation before asking for support.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is alexithymia?

Alexithymia describes difficulty identifying feelings and putting them into words. It may include difficulty distinguishing feelings from accompanying bodily sensations. You may know a day was difficult, yet when asked how you felt, you describe the events or say you were tired. The term does not establish the cause or identify the right treatment, and neither can one incident or an online test.

Does alexithymia mean you have no feelings?

No. This difficulty does not mean you have no feelings or do not care about other people. “I feel something but cannot name it,” “I know my feeling but cannot explain it,” and “I do not feel anything clear right now” describe different experiences. Someone may also withhold feelings because the listener feels unsafe, while knowing perfectly well what they feel.

How can I describe my feelings when I cannot find the words?

Choose a recent, manageable event rather than your most painful memory, and try: “This happened… Afterwards I wanted to move closer, move away, talk or be quiet. The nearest feeling might be… but I am not sure.” You do not have to settle the answer, and “I do not know” can remain an honest answer. If writing or drawing helps more than talking, you can begin there.

Is alexithymia caused by childhood experiences?

Not necessarily. How you learned to talk about feelings and your life experiences may be relevant, but they do not establish that your parents neglected you or that one past event explains everything. A research association does not prove an individual cause. Start with what you know: has the difficulty been present for years or appeared recently, and are there changes in mood, sleep, health or medication?

When should I see a professional about difficulty describing feelings?

Discuss repeated difficulty with a mental health professional if it affects relationships or prevents you from explaining distress and getting help. A recent change, physical symptoms or a medication change also warrants a health review; do not stop medication on your own. Sudden difficulty speaking or understanding speech, or sudden weakness in the face or an arm, needs immediate emergency help. Do not explain it as difficulty describing emotions. In Saudi Arabia, call an ambulance on 997 and do not drive yourself.

Writing and article review

Alanoud AlturkiWritten byAlanoud Alturki

Content writer and researcher at Tatmeen, writing in Arabic and English on mental health and everyday life topics, including relationships, stress, work, habits, and family.

Tatmeen teamMedical reviewTatmeen team

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