Do You Have Alexithymia? Understanding Emotional Attunement

Alexithymia, ora lack of psychological attunement,: is difficulty experiencing, expressing, and describing a feeling.

Every day, I hear from people who have just realized that they experienced emotional neglect during childhood. They often express it by saying, “I finally understand what I was going through!” Many describe it as a weight being lifted from their shoulders.

It is wonderful to finally be able to understand yourself well. Unfortunately, however, that alone is not enough. The first step is to identify and understand the problem. The second step is to address it.

If you spent your childhood with parents who did not respond adequately to your emotional needs—childhood emotional neglect—you are likely to face a set of challenges in adulthood that are specific to this emotional neglect. Children who grow up receiving the message that their feelings are unacceptable automatically adapt by pushing those feelings deep down and keeping them out of the way, so they do not burden their parents with their feelings and emotional needs. If you rejected and pushed away your feelings as a child, you will lose the ability to access them as an adult. This is whyalexithymia is one of the most common problems faced by people who experienced emotional neglect during childhood.

Fortunately, a lack of psychological attunement is a problem that can be addressed. Emotional awareness and perception can be learned. In fact, there is a clear, systematic way to learn them. Many people have succeeded on their own, while others have done so with the help of a therapist.

The Feelings Identification Exercise

This is a six-step exercise. When practiced regularly, it will help you gradually reconnect with your feelings, and this connection is an important part of recovering from childhood emotional neglect.

If you devote just 5 minutes to this exercise three times a day—or as often as you can—you are making your brain perform unfamiliar activities. In doing so, you create new neural networks that become stronger and work better each time you practice, even if you do not succeed in identifying or naming a feeling.

Exercise steps

Step 1:Sit somewhere you will not be disturbed. Close your eyes. Imagine a blank screen filling your entire mind and pushing all thoughts away. Focus all your attention on the screen, directing your awareness inward.

Step 2:Ask yourself this question:

“What am I feeling right now?”

Step 3:Focus on your inner experience. Be aware of any thought that enters your mind, then return your focus to the question:

“What am I feeling right now?”

Step 5:Try to find a word that expresses your feeling. You may need more than one word. Use a list of feelings if you need one.

Step 5:If you find it difficult to identify what you are feeling, that is not a problem. Finding a word is less important than going through the experience of trying to become internally attuned. As long as you continue practicing whenever you can, you will begin to make progress. Stay consistent and do not give up!

Step 6:If you have found a “feeling word” that seems appropriate and accurate, you are ready for the next step: trying to discover why you feel what you feel.

Now ask yourself:

“Why am I feeling … right now?”

Identifying what you feel and why you feel it can be very difficult for many people, especially those who experienced emotional neglect during childhood. This exercise may seem simple, but it is not easy. People who were emotionally neglected as children often find it difficult to sit with themselves, yet doing so is essential for this exercise to succeed. If the exercise feels difficult the first time you try it, or perhaps even impossible, please keep trying.

As you gradually become able to sit with yourself, direct your attention inward, and attune to your feelings, you will also become able to recognize your feelings naturally whenever they arise. You will find yourself changing: discovering more meaning in your life, connecting better with others, developing goals and a clear direction, and gaining greater self-confidence.

Yes, by devoting a few minutes each day, you will overcome poor emotional attunement. With these daily minutes, you can change your life.

Author:Dr. Jonice Webb

Photographer:Arvin Febry