How to Connect With Your Core Emotions

The “Change Triangle” is a map and guide that takes you from a state of disconnection back to your authentic self. In practical terms, the Change Triangle consists of a series of steps simply intended to help you feel better. It restores your awareness of core emotions such as joy, anger, sadness, fear, and excitement. The Change Triangle helped me find happiness and contentment, and it has helped several people I have worked with reclaim a more vibrant and integrated authentic self.

The “Change Triangle” was first called the “Triangle of Conflict” in 1970 by David Malan, and later the “Triangle of Experience” by Diana Fosha in her pioneering book The Transforming Power Of Affect. Much of my work is based on Fosha’s work.

What Are Core Emotions?

Core emotions are mostly physical sensations that we experience as a particular feeling. They tell us about our surroundings. Am I safe or in danger? What do I need or want, and what do I not want? Am I sad? Am I hurt? What gives me pleasure? What disgusts me? What excites me? Core emotions exist in the middle region of the brain, which means they are not controlled by the conscious mind.

The core emotions are sadness, fear, anger, joy, enthusiasm, sexual excitement, and disgust. They are triggered by our surroundings. Each core emotion is programmed to set off a series of physiological responses that prepare us to take action. Core emotions are remarkable: if we allow them to pass through us, their innate programming tells us what to do to adapt to life’s circumstances.

What Are Inhibitory Emotions?

Inhibitory emotions block core emotions. Shame, anxiety, and guilt are inhibitory emotions that block core emotions when:

1.  They conflict with what the people we need—such as parents, friends, and partners—want;
2.  Core emotions become so intense that our brain tries to stop them to protect us from emotional distress.

What Are Defenses?

Defenses are anything we do to avoid experiencing core or inhibitory emotions. Depression is a defense because it is a state in which we are distant and disconnected from our core emotions. There are endless defenses, but the most common in our culture include joking, sarcasm or mockery, excessive use of screen-based devices, criticism, isolation, procrastination, keeping busy, negative thinking, overworking, overexercising, overeating, undereating, self-harm, sex, obsession, addiction, and more.

How Do You Use the Change Triangle?

When a situation or event throws you off balance emotionally, you should:

1. Identify where you are on the Change Triangle: defense, inhibition, or core emotion?
2. Identify where you would like to go. Move clockwise around the Change Triangle, beginning with the core emotions, which will naturally guide you toward calm, a clearer understanding of the situation, or a solution.

The Change Triangle is a place you can return to whenever you are experiencing emotional distress, whether because of something within you or something or someone in your surroundings. Personally, I return to the Change Triangle because, in most cases, discovering “where I am on the Change Triangle” helps me feel better for two reasons:

1.  I step back from the immediate feeling and gain a broader perspective; 
2.  I receive some guidance about what I can do to help myself feel better.

Here are the basic steps:

• Identify which corner you are closest to.
• Relax, breathe, and calm yourself for at least a few seconds.
• Try to identify all the core emotions behind this state that are appearing at this moment. There may be one or more emotions. Recognize and name each one separately whenever you can.
• Consider the best way to act at this moment.

With a little practice, when you ask, “Where am I on the Change Triangle right now?” you will realize that your emotional state is located at one of the triangle’s three corners:

1. Upper-left corner—defense
2. Upper-right corner—anxiety, shame, or guilt
3. Bottom corner—core emotions

Or below the triangle, in a state of peace, generosity, and openness—where each of us hopes to remain for longer. The state below the triangle can be reached by “listening” to what the core emotion is telling you at that moment, respecting its message, and allowing the accompanying physical sensation to move freely until it naturally settles. Core emotions are like waves: they rise and then recede.

An Example of Applying the Change Triangle:

I personally use the Change Triangle constantly to feel better. Here is a recent example from my own experience:

Today I am anxious about writing an article. I feel a fluttering in my chest and churning in my stomach. Because I do not like experiencing my anxiety, I avoid it through negative thinking, saying things such as, “Maybe I cannot do this,” and worrying about an unrelated phone call I need to make. (This movement from emotions to defenses usually happens unconsciously and automatically.) This is an example of me moving from the upper-right corner of the Change Triangle, where anxiety and other inhibitory emotions are located, to the upper-left corner, where defenses are found. I do not want to experience my anxiety!

When I notice that my negative thoughts—“I cannot do this!”—are merely defense mechanisms, something that takes practice to recognize, I know that I can use the Change Triangle to feel better. So I begin asking myself questions:

“Can I identify the core emotion driving me at this moment?”

To discover the core emotions, I turn my attention to my body. This is the key!

As expected, when I shift my attention away from my defenses—the negative thought that I cannot do the work—and toward my body, I feel my anxiety again: that fluttering in my chest. I am back at the upper-right corner of the Change Triangle, but this time I am moving in the right direction, toward dealing directly with my core emotions. My goal is to connect with myself on a deep level and stop listening to the negative thoughts I created to avoid my emotions.  

To manage the feeling of anxiety, I take several long, deep breaths while focusing on the physical sensations inside me. I approach the physical feeling associated with my anxiety with compassion and curiosity instead of fear and judgment. As my anxiety eases a little through breathing and other calming methods, the core emotions causing it begin to emerge.

Sometimes the core emotions are clear. At other times, they are difficult to identify. In the latter case, I try each core emotion one at a time. Here is how:

My attention remains focused on my body below my neck. I ask myself, “Is there sadness here? Is there anger? Excitement? Joy? Is there fear? Or disgust?” There is usually a sense of “recognition” that tells you that you have discovered the right core emotion—and there may be more than one. I identify them all, then move through each emotion one at a time.

I discover that beneath my anxiety lies the core emotion of fear.

Fear resembles anxiety, but anxiety does not come with instructions about what to do. Anxiety tends to stop movement instead of informing us. But fear? We can actually work with fear! Here is how:

I ask my fear, “What are you afraid of?” My fear answers, “I am afraid of embarrassing myself. I am afraid of letting my readers down.”

Fear, like the other core emotions, follows a set of impulses. Fear tells us to run away, as though a lion were about to pounce on us. To manage these impulses, I do the following: 

I ask myself: Do I want to act out of fear and run away from writing the article, or do I want to allow my fear to pass through me—which is courage—and try writing? I decide to try.

I remind myself that even if what I fear happens, I will certainly survive, unlike what would happen if a lion pounced on me.

So, how do I feel now? Better. Now that I have recognized and named my fear, my anxiety is easing. I feel calmer because I have clearly identified what is troubling me. I chose courage over fear and found the inspiration to finish my article!

Our emotions are a compass for life. Ignoring them leads to stress, anxiety, and difficulty finding joy and peace—it feels like losing yourself.

Life does not have to be this way! Anyone can live in harmony with their core emotions. How? By identifying those emotions. This is what the Change Triangle is about: it is a map that leads us back to our authentic selves.

Author: Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Photographer: Chrisuk