Life repeatedly surprises us with unexpected events, and each of us needs help and support from time to time.

But if you are always attracted to partners with deep problems who need psychological counseling, these are not merely life events. It is a pattern that needs to be examined.

 

Reasons for choosing romantic partners with mental health problems

 

1. You were a “good boy” or “good girl” as a child.

 

If you were always the “good” or “well-behaved” child, it may mean that at some point you learned that you had to conform to what others wanted to receive attention.

 

“I like you more when you behave well.” “Naughty children stay in their rooms until they are ready to behave acceptably.” “What would a mother do without her little angel?” These are all versions of teaching a child that only certain parts of them deserve love and affection.

 

 

Children raised this way grow into adults who hide significant parts of themselves—the aspects they do not accept or do not expect others to accept.

 

This will naturally attract people who are similarly inauthentic and conceal their mental health problems. They may be depressed, yet attracted to someone who always appears “happy” and “good,” and are often extremely critical. In other words, they are people who need psychological help.

 

2. You have difficulties with “emotional attachment.”

 

According to attachment theory, a child needs consistent, unconditional love and support from a dependable caregiver to become an adult who can build relationships in healthy ways.

If this type of attachment is absent, the child grows up with an unhealthy “attachment pattern” or way of relating to others.

This may make you vulnerable to poor decisions, even when initially choosing whom to invest in trying to form a relationship with.

 

3. You experience “pathological attachment.”

 

At some point, you learned that you have value only when you help others, or that committing to offer someone unlimited support is the best way to receive love.

The pattern of “You must love me because I am extremely useful to you” is known as “codependency” or “pathological attachment.” It may involve one partner who is addicted to alcohol, drugs, work, sex, or anything else and who values a good “helper,” and another partner with low self-confidence and problems with anger.

 

4. You have low self-esteem.

 

Consistently choosing partners with psychological difficulties means that, at some level, you do not believe you deserve a relationship with someone who has enough energy to build a healthy one. In other words, you unconsciously have low self-esteem.

 

5. You use romantic relationships as a drug.

 

Sometimes your need for drama leads you to choose romantic partners with serious difficulties.

On a superficial level, drama may make you feel important and excited.

At a deeper level, however, you are probably using the drama of dating someone with difficulties as a drug. It helps you avoid facing what you dislike about your life and yourself. This is often referred to as being a “love addict.”

 

6. You have your own mental health problems to address.

 

As might be expected, always choosing partners with psychological difficulties can conceal the fact that you have difficulties of your own that need treatment. The partners you choose may reflect the problems you have. For example, a woman who has difficulty trusting others may be attracted to an unreliable man; a man with low self-esteem may be attracted to a woman who is constantly critical or emotionally abusive; and a person with an addiction may be attracted to a codependent partner who derives their sense of worth from caring for others.

 

It is also common to choose a partner who resembles a parent with whom you still have unresolved difficulties. It is as if part of you longs to heal from the past and therefore recreates the same problems. If you had a controlling mother who constantly discouraged you, you might choose a partner who does the same.

 

7. You experienced psychological trauma during childhood.

 

If you experienced psychological trauma during childhood and have not resolved it, you may find yourself attracted to partners who have been similarly harmed.

For example, someone who experienced abuse as a child may end up with a partner who abuses them, even if in a different way. Even if your partner does not physically abuse you, they may abuse you emotionally or do harmful things such as withholding affection or exploiting you financially.

 

Does any of this apply to you?

 

What matters is not what you are, but how you deal with the situation. This may mean seeking a relationship counselor if you are still with your partner and they are willing to do so.

But if you apparently attract only partners who need psychological treatment but do not want it, it may be time to acknowledge that the best way to attract a romantic partner without unresolved problems is, at the very least, to address your own.

Source:Harley Therapy

Image 1: Photo byMaciej Rusek on Unsplash

Image 2: Photo byJoseph Gonzalez on Unsplash

Image 3: Photo byBelieve in Your utopia on Unsplash