Are you wondering how to stop thinking about someone? Why can you not stop yourself from thinking about them even though they broke your heart or drove you mad?

Is something wrong with me?

You are far fromalone in being unable to stop thinking about someone who interests you romantically, an old friend, or someone you admire.

A broad review of addiction research, based on data from 83 studies, found that love addiction is believed to affect 26% of the adult population.

Why can I not stop thinking about him or her?

We live in a society that encourages unhealthy ways of building relationships.Social media, films, and television programs present us with an endless stream of addictive behaviors labeled as “love” and a complex dependency called “friendship.”

These misconceptions would not have had such a significant effect if we had learned about healthy relationships during childhood from the adults around us and had enjoyed a secure childhood. We would simply have known better.

But we may be susceptible to these damaging ideas about relationships if any of the following applies:

  • An unstable childhood
  • Parents whose relationships were volatile
  • Not receiving the unconditional, consistent, and secure love a child needs to grow well
  • Childhood trauma

The first step toward stopping thinking about someone is therefore to understand the real problem, which is rarely related to the other person.

1. You never learned what healthy relationships are

“Role modeling” is a term for the way children learn behaviors from what they see around them.Examples of poor modeling may include parents, or a mother or father, who:

  • Always fought more than they reconciled, teaching you that love is intense and turbulent
  • Was dishonest, with one parent obsessed with the other's whereabouts, teaching you that love means anxiety and overthinking
  • Repeatedly had intense, short-lived romantic relationships that left them devastated and obsessed afterward, teaching you that love is obsession.

2. You have attachment problems

As we grow older, we naturally question the behaviors we learnedfrom our parents and begin developing our own behavior.

What does not change easily, however, is the belief about love that we learned through our direct relationship with our primary caregiver.

If you were loved only when you behaved “well”, or had a moody, inconsistent parent or caregiver who loved you only when it suited them—or did not love you at all—

you are very likely to grow into an adult who experiences what are known as “attachment difficulties.”.

If you cannot stop thinking about someone, you may have “anxious attachment”. You may be inconsistent in relationships, moving closer and then pulling away to get relief from the anxiety they cause you. But if the other person leaves, you panic.

3. You are addicted to love and relationships

  • When things were going well with the person you cannot stop thinking about, did you experience a wonderful, euphoric feeling?
  • When you came down from that feeling or argued with the person, did you feel so low that you found it difficult to leave the house?
  • Or do your thoughts about this person interfere with the rest of your life?
  • Do they affect your performance at work or in your studies, leave you confused and forgetting important things, or even affect your sleep and eating?

If so, you may have a problem involving one of the different forms of relationship addiction, which could be love addiction, romance addiction, or simply an addiction to people.

4. You experienced childhood trauma

Trauma during childhood, such as sexual abuse, can shatter our sense of self. As adults, we may have low self-esteem, cling to other people as a way of feeling that we have value, and become addicted to their attention.

5. You have borderline personality disorder

More specifically called “emotionally unstable personality disorder,”it means that you are deeply afraid of rejection.

The spiral triggered by feeling abandoned may include obsessing over the other person and doing everything in your power to regain control over them.

 

How to stop thinking about someone

 

It may be helpful to approach your obsession with the other person as you would an addiction.

1. Recognize that thoughts are only thoughts, not facts

If you were recoveringfrom a drug addiction, you would question any thought about how wonderful the drug was or how much you needed to return to that lifestyle.

When another person is involved, we may try to convince ourselves that the situation is different.But it is not. You need to question every thought you have about them.

Your obsessive thoughts about the other person are often inaccurate, romanticizing what happened or giving you false beliefs such as “you cannot live without them.” You can live without them, and you will.

2. Do not feed the thoughts

This means that you should stop talking about the situation with anyone and everyone who will listen.Constantly talking about it feeds the addiction because you receive attention for playing the victim.

Also stop spending time with peoplewho exploit the fact that you are addicted to someone. They may also be addicted to people, which makes them feel less alone. Or they may draw energy from appearing to “help” others.

Instead, speak to a therapist. The difference is that a mental health professional will not let you fall into a black hole of negative stories. They are well trained to ask the right questions, helping you see perspectives you may have overlooked so that you can find a way forward.

Try this:Journal with a purpose—for example, write down all your thoughts without correcting any mistakes, then tear up the paper. Alternatively, find a private place, set a timer for 5 minutes, and make yourself talk about the other person until the time is up. If you are brave enough, record yourself and then listen to the recording.

3. Give your feelings attention

We often have obsessive thoughts when we handle our feelings in the wrong way.Instead of feeling them and accepting what they are trying to tell us, we hide from them through obsession—thinking about the other person—anger, agitation, and sorrow. If we actually work with our feelings instead, the frantic thoughts can pass.

Try this:The next time you find yourself thinking about the other person, find a quiet place, sit still, close your eyes, and bring mindful awareness to the situation. What are you feeling at that moment? Rejection? Loneliness? Anger? Sit with the feeling quietly, without judgment or analysis. What does it feel like? Is it hot, cold, heavy, or dizzying? Where do you feel it in your body? Allow it to shift into another feeling, such as sadness, if it wants to.

4. Practice substitution

Take up a hobby, exercise, or start a new job. The aim is to find a healthy alternative and immerse yourself in it.

Try this:Identify a dream or goal that you postponed when the other person appeared. Sit down and divide the goal into steps for achieving it. Use the SMART goal-setting method, making the goal specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound. Then schedule the initial steps in your diary and begin working on them.

5. Seek psychotherapy for relationship addiction

Hypnotherapy helps loosen the other person's hold on your mind.

Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you identify and question your thoughts and replace them with more balanced thinking.

Compassion-focused therapy may help you build your self-esteem and release your anger.

Trauma-specific therapies are recommended if you have been through difficult experiences, as other therapies may sometimes have the opposite effect. If you think you have borderline personality disorder, it is important to try one of the therapies designed specifically for this disorder.


Source:Harley Therapy Blog

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