How Do I Heal From the Shock of Betrayal?

Betrayal is considered one of the most difficult human experiences anyone can endure. It is an act that produces many feelings in the person who experiences it and may cause several psychological disorders. Betrayal leaves the recipient feeling that they were not enough and that this is what drove their partner to betray them, which can undermine their self-confidence. It also destroys their sense of safety and stability because they have been disappointed by the person they considered safest.

It is important to note that betrayal is not limited to romantic infidelity. Betrayal takes many forms, and the person experiencing it may have many feelings, the most significant of which is shock. In this article, we discuss the meaning and types of betrayal and how to heal from its shock.

What does betrayal mean?

Betrayal is an act in which someone—whether a romantic partner, friend, or coworker, or even a person betraying their country—violates or crosses the boundaries that preserve trust and faithfulness within a relationship, whatever its form. This violation produces many human emotions, such as shock, mistrust, despair, sadness, tension, and insecurity. These can leave the recipient in a psychological crisis and may cause several psychological disorders.

Betrayal takes different forms according to its type. It may involve turning to a third person other than your romantic partner to share feelings of love; siding with and joining enemy ranks if you live in a country under occupation or at war; or reporting to a manager what a coworker has said about the workplace. Despite the many forms betrayal can take, they all stem from one act: violating or breaking presumed or previously agreed commitments, whether explicitly or implicitly.

What are the types of betrayal?

1. Physical betrayal.

More precisely, this means betrayal involving a partner having a sexual relationship with someone other than their partner. This is one of the most common forms of betrayal and among the most painful for the partner who experiences it. An intimate relationship involves a high level of connection between two people and the exchange and sharing of many feelings, suggesting that the relationship is not fleeting but involves substantial connection and closeness between them.

2. Mental betrayal.

This form of betrayal involves a partner continually thinking about someone other than their romantic partner. It may reach the point where they imagine that person even while being intimate with their partner or wish they could be intimate with the other person. This thinking is not limited to intimacy but goes beyond it to constant thoughts about and interest in what matters to that person. The partner becomes unable to connect with you mentally and seriously develops feelings of attraction, admiration, and love toward someone else.

3. Professional and literary betrayal.

Professional and literary betrayal can be explained through examples and situations we encounter every day. For example, claiming that you wrote an article or book written by someone else is betrayal. Communicating with competitors of the company where you work and providing them with information about its operations that could cause the company a loss is also betrayal.

4. Digital betrayal.

This form of betrayal serves as a tool for committing the previous forms and has been developing rapidly and dangerously. It involves devoting considerable time to a computer screen and withdrawing with a phone to check social media, or speaking constantly for long hours, either to build a romantic relationship with someone other than the partner or to engage in the preceding forms of betrayal.

How do I heal from the shock of betrayal?

1. Do not make any decisions about the relationship.

Recognize that the first feeling to overwhelm you when you learn about a betrayal is shock, regardless of its type. Shock can paralyze your thinking, leaving you unable to comprehend the situation or handle it consciously and logically. Avoid making any decisions concerning either your relationship with the person who betrayed you or the person themselves. Give yourself space to absorb the situation and think calmly, because any decision you make at first will be no more than a reaction.

2. Recognize that you did not cause the betrayal.

This means refraining from punishing and blaming yourself or using phrases such as, “If only I had paid more attention to them,” or, “I was not enough for this relationship.” These statements will deepen your feelings of inferiority and destroy your self-confidence. You must recognize that a person who chooses betrayal will do the same even if you give them sufficient attention and time, because the problem lies within them and in their capacity for commitment, not in you.

3. Do not devote your time and effort to thinking about punishing your partner.

Betrayal implicitly declares that the partner wants to spend time with someone else or devote their loyalty and effort to pleasing and making someone else happy. It would therefore drain you to answer these intentions by devoting your effort and time to punishing them, because this necessarily means you are still thinking about them. The only punishment is to become convinced that this person holds no value and does not deserve any more of your time or effort. Ignore them, seek to continue your life as you wish, and regard the relationship as a lesson that will make you stronger.

4. Think about yourself and what you love and what suits you.

Try to avoid thinking about the betrayal and its details, however painful they may be. Whenever your memory draws you back to the situation and its accompanying feelings, occupy yourself with anything that makes you happy and reduces the time spent thinking. For example, focus on yourself and consider that a new form of life awaits you. Create new goals, ambitions, and priorities. Make this experience a lesson that teaches you the importance of connecting your life to goals rather than people.

Some perspectives link betrayal to the nature of the upbringing received by the person committing it. When a child learns during socialization that their feelings are neglected or that their parents disregard them, they may also learn that their psychological needs—including love, emotional support, praise, attention, safety, and self-expression—will either be neglected or are shameful to express. The child then grows up in a state of constant conflict between the desires and feelings they have a right to fulfill through legitimate means and the neglect and disregard they experience.

This may drive the child to act in one of two ways: either expressing their desires and needs during childhood with other children of the same age because, from the child’s perspective, those desires need an outlet, or waiting until adolescence to engage in unhealthy sexual behavior. These causes may drive the person to continue engaging in betrayal throughout life—not only sexual betrayal but betrayal in all its forms, such as a friend betraying a friend or one sibling betraying another.

Every mother and father should therefore understand that every person on earth, particularly a child, has essential psychological needs that must be met. They should teach their children how to express these needs and that they have a right to them. They should teach them that love is an innate feeling and that it is natural and not shameful for a father to embrace his children. Allow your children to tell you about the feelings inside them, whether positive or negative.

Parents should take the following steps if they find their children engaging in betrayal behavior with other children.

• Do not harshly reprimand your child for this behavior.
• You should recognize that you, not the child, are the reason for this behavior.
• Explain to the child that this behavior is wrong and that they should treat their peers like siblings.
• Tell the child that they must respect their body and respect the same right for others.
• Change the way you raise your child so they learn that love can be expressed toward family members, including their father, mother, and siblings, and that there is nothing shameful about it.
• As parents, you must be a model for your child in expressing love, so the child sees how you respect one another and treat each other with affection and compassion.
• As parents, you must resolve all marital disagreements away from your children so they do not learn that fighting is a fundamental feature of married life.
• As parents, you must not engage in betrayal. In most cases, if a child grows up watching their parents engage in betrayal, whatever its form or type, the child will imitate that behavior.
• Try to maintain an ongoing dialogue as a family. As parents, set a time for this discussion and make every family member aware of it so that everyone can attend.

Download Tatmeen’s online psychological and family counseling app from the Apple App Store or Google Play. You can also register on the Tatmeen mental health website to receive valuable information and practical tools for strengthening your psychological and family well-being.