Achieving Motherhood: A Hidden Struggle with the Self

Every sacrifice a mother makes for her child, from the beginning of pregnancy until she gives birth, is entangled with feelings of threat to her sense of self. These appear as fear of losing her ambitions, dreams, and daily routines, alongside guilt that she is not fulfilling her maternal role adequately or as expected. Some women choose to postpone all future plans and projects. Women in this position may find no peace, their minds constantly preoccupied with the path they neglected to choose. They may also be drawn into cycles of comparison with their peers, to the point that they feel they are raising the disappointments born of what they gave up just as they are raising their children, as Shafak says.

The writer Elif Shafak explored this struggle in her novel Black Milk, which became very popular among new mothers. In it, she presented her experience ofpostpartum depression, taking the reader on a journey along two parallel paths. In a way that is confused yet clear at the same time, she recounts her struggle with motherhood and her journey through writing and the world of books, in persistent efforts to establish a balance between the two roles. Sometimes she succeeds, and when she fails, she says: "I do not want to feel maternal instincts or have children. I only want to become a writer; that is all I seek."

More focus, time, and attention—this is what women must give their children when they decide to answer the call of motherhood. This is usually accompanied by giving up many of the daily rituals they relied on before becoming mothers. Take drinking coffee, going shopping with friends, or sitting alone with nothing to do, for example.

The dark side of motherhood

When some women decide to become mothers and get pregnant, they experience several feelings that represent the dark side of motherhood, including:

• An obsession with loss.

The possibility that a woman might lose everything she loves and become caught in the cycle of daily maternal duties is reason enough for some women to develop anxiety about pregnancy and motherhood.

• No clear reason.

None of the previously mentioned reasons may apply. There may be no specific reason for disliking pregnancy and motherhood; some women simply do not enjoy the experience.

• Some women choose to postpone all future plans and projects.

Women in this position may find no peace, their minds constantly preoccupied with the path they neglected to choose. They may also be drawn into cycles of comparison with their peers, to the point that they feel they are raising the disappointments born of what they gave up just as they are raising their children, as Shafak says.

• Some women risk trying to maintain a precarious balance between the demands of motherhood and all the real and imagined aspirations they seek to fulfill.

How can I enjoy motherhood and pregnancy?

• Accept your feelings.

Dr. Tiskon says: "There is nothing wrong with having a realistic reaction to an intense reality." Pregnancy is an experience every woman goes through, but it is not magical or enchanting, and that is entirely normal. It is certainly a special and unique experience. Because it is accompanied by major physical, mental, and emotional changes, these feelings must either be acknowledged and accepted, or the woman may feel isolated and guilty.

• Take care of yourself.

Treat yourself with gentle care, both physically and emotionally. Make yourself a priority, give yourself personal comfort, and do whatever may make your feelings more positive, such as meeting friends, pursuing hobbies, and other activities.

• Share your feelings—or do not.

If a woman says that her pregnancy felt wonderful, do not let guilt reach you. Many women are afraid to discuss their honest feelings for fear that others will judge them as "bad mothers." Share your feelings if you wish; if you do not want to, then do not. Do what feels right for you.

• Do not compare your pregnancy with other experiences.

Do not compare your pregnancy with other experiences because yours is different. It is an entirely personal experience. Feelings of fatigue and exhaustion, physical symptoms, and emotional changes certainly vary from one woman to another. Focus only on your own experience. However much it may resemble or overlap with those of other women, its story and the feelings it carries remain uniquely yours.

• Distinguish between expectations and facts.

Set reasonable expectations for yourself during pregnancy. You are likely to feel more tired and fuller than usual. Do not let idealized or negative expectations control your life. Everything you are going through is entirely normal.

The road to motherhood is paved with sacrifices and compromises, accompanied by intense and overwhelming feelings that range from accepting motherhood to rejecting it because of the fatigue, physical pain, andpsychological painit brings. Women need to understand that any feelings they have toward motherhood and pregnancy are natural and legitimate. To comprehend and recognize these feelings, they must acknowledge them and treat them as normal during this stage, without allowing guilt to take root within them.