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Mixed feelings about motherhood: understanding your needs and asking for support

Alanoud AlturkiMedical review: Tatmeen team8 min read
امرأة تحتضن رضيعًا قرب سريره في جانب مضيء، وبجانبها صورة داكنة لامرأة عند كتب وحاسوب وساعة.
Article contents
  1. What changed, and what still matters to you?
  2. When writing gives words to a difficult experience
  3. Making room for a need of your own
  4. When your options are limited
  5. When care is the next step
  6. Frequently Asked Questions
  7. Sources and references
  8. Writer and reviewer

You can love your child and miss life before motherhood: time alone, work you enjoy, or studies you have not finished. You do not have to choose one feeling and hide the other. Instead of asking “Why am I not happy all the time?”, a more useful question may be: what do I miss, and what could change in my life now?

Mixed feelings alone do not diagnose depression. Equally, they do not make every kind of distress something you should endure. If they come with persistent sadness, loss of interest, anxiety that interferes with daily life or difficulty sleeping when rest is possible, mention this at a medical or mental health appointment1. Having many responsibilities does not mean you cannot also need care.

What changed, and what still matters to you?

The difficulty may be different for each woman. One wants to return to work; another needs rest away from everyone's requests; another finds that a decision she felt comfortable with is harder than expected. Your experience does not have to match someone else's, and you do not need to justify every need by comparing yourself with another mother.

Try naming exactly what you miss. “I want my old life back” may be honest, but it is broad and difficult to act on. Do you mean less interrupted sleep, a friendship, meaningful work, or time in which you choose what to do? Some needs may be possible now; others require time, money or a different division of care.

Naming what you miss may reveal a need you can make room for, instead of turning every loss into a harsh judgment of yourself. It may also reveal that your wishes have changed.

For example, you may have planned to stay home and now want to return to work, or planned an early return and now want more time before it. You do not have to defend an earlier wish simply because you once expressed it. Consider what you want now and what health, finances and care arrangements allow. A decision may be possible, or you may need an interim arrangement or a delay.

If you are unsure, you do not have to settle your whole future. Start with a smaller question: what do I want to stay connected to this week? It might be a call to a friend, finding out about returning to study, or time to rest without requests from others. These are possibilities, not new obligations to add to your day.

When writing gives words to a difficult experience

Elif Shafak's memoir Black Milk explores motherhood, writing and her experience of depression after the birth of her child, as described in the publisher's introduction2. It describes one writer's life, rather than a pattern all mothers should expect or a way to diagnose yourself.

Reading someone else's experience may give you words for something difficult to say, or open a question about an ambition that remains as life changes. Use what helps you express yourself. Your experience need not resemble the author's, and writing or another hobby need not become your treatment.

Making room for a need of your own

When you ask for time for yourself, childcare and household organization may still fall to you before and afterwards. Where a safe, capable person is available, connect the request to a responsibility they can take over completely.

For example: “I want to spend some time studying again. We need to agree on who cares for the baby then and prepares what they need, so I do not spend the whole time managing arrangements.” Or: “A visit would tire me today. What would help is a ready meal and time to rest.”

If the response is a general “We will try to help,” return to the details that make it possible: who will provide care, when, and what needs preparing? A clearly agreed short period may be more useful than an open-ended promise of time for yourself.

A short agreement may help:

What I want to make room for: …
What is possible this week: …
Who takes over the care or task, and what they need to know: …
What we will reduce or postpone to make it possible: …
When we will discuss what worked and what did not: …

The arrangement can change with your child's age, feeding, work and health. You are seeking realistic space for what matters, rather than proving you can perform every role perfectly. Postnatal guidance recommends practical help with childcare1 and everyday tasks. Making rest possible is not solely your responsibility.

When your options are limited

Safe help may be unavailable, or work and money may rule out your preferred arrangement. You may be able to reduce a demand or postpone a social commitment while protecting your child's basic needs. Even the space you need now may be out of reach. Tell a supportive person or professional about those constraints as they are; a plan that relies on time or help you do not have can add to the burden.

You can choose what you share and with whom. You do not have to tell every relative how you feel. A safe person or professional may help you discuss your needs rather than simply being told to endure. If home is unsafe, tell the professional; you do not have to seek support from someone who increases the danger.

When care is the next step

Talk to a family doctor1, your obstetric clinician or a mental health professional if sadness or anxiety persists, interest in things you valued declines, or eating, sleeping and looking after yourself become difficult. Severe or worsening symptoms3 do not require waiting two weeks, including in the first days after birth.

If you are thinking of ending your life now, go to an emergency department immediately, even without a plan. A wish to die or not wake up, or other thoughts of self-harm, needs urgent professional assessment today4; if this is unavailable promptly, go to an emergency department. Having no plan does not establish safety.

With an intention or plan to cause harm, immediate danger to you or someone else, or an inability to maintain safety, call an ambulance on 997 in Saudi Arabia now. Ask someone safe to stay with you4 while seeking care, and do not drive yourself to emergency care. If no safe companion is available or you cannot reach care safely, tell the ambulance service5 and do not delay calling. Arrange care for the child with a safe adult, and tell the medical service if no helper is available; do not delay care while waiting for one.

Sudden changes after birth6, such as hearing nonexistent voices, beliefs out of touch with reality or unusual activity with little need for sleep, need an emergency department now. Sudden confusion7 also needs immediate medical assessment whatever the cause. Do not drive yourself. Ask someone safe to accompany you, or call 997 if you cannot reach care safely.

If you do not know where to seek care, 937 provides medical advice. Urgent situations must not wait for telephone advice8.

You can start with a few words: “I do not feel well. I want to talk about how I am doing and what support I need.” You do not have to establish your love for your child before describing what hurts, or have a neatly organized story for your needs to be heard.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to love my baby but miss my old life?

Yes. You can love your child and still miss time alone, work you enjoy or studies you have not finished; you do not have to choose one feeling and hide the other. Mixed feelings alone do not diagnose depression. But if they come with persistent sadness, loss of interest, anxiety that interferes with daily life or difficulty sleeping when rest is possible, mention this at a medical or mental health appointment.

When should I see a doctor about sadness or anxiety after giving birth?

Talk to a family doctor, your obstetric clinician or a mental health professional if sadness or anxiety persists, interest in things you valued declines, or eating, sleeping and looking after yourself become difficult. Severe or worsening symptoms do not require waiting two weeks, including in the first days after birth.

A wish to die or not wake up, or other thoughts of self-harm, needs urgent professional assessment today; if this is unavailable promptly, go to an emergency department. Having no plan does not establish safety.

How can I ask for time for myself after having a baby?

Connect the request to a responsibility that a safe, capable person can take over completely, so childcare and household organization do not still fall to you before and afterwards. If the response is a general “We will try to help,” return to the details: who will provide care, when, and what needs preparing? A clearly agreed short period may be more useful than an open-ended promise of time for yourself.

What should I do if I am thinking of ending my life after giving birth?

If you are thinking of ending your life now, go to an emergency department immediately, even without a plan. With an intention or plan to cause harm, immediate danger to you or someone else, or an inability to maintain safety, call an ambulance on 997 now.

Ask someone safe to stay with you; do not drive yourself. If no safe companion is available or you cannot reach care safely, tell the ambulance service without delay. Arrange childcare with a safe adult, or tell the medical service if no helper is available; do not delay care waiting for one.

Which changes after giving birth need emergency care?

Sudden changes after birth, such as hearing nonexistent voices, beliefs out of touch with reality or unusual activity with little need for sleep, need an emergency department now. Sudden confusion also needs immediate medical assessment whatever the cause. Do not drive yourself. Ask someone safe to accompany you, or call 997 if you cannot reach care safely.

Writing and article review

Alanoud AlturkiWritten byAlanoud Alturki

Content writer and researcher at Tatmeen, writing in Arabic and English on mental health and everyday life topics, including relationships, stress, work, habits, and family.

Tatmeen teamMedical reviewTatmeen team

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