Skip to main content
HomeSpecialistsBusinessBlogContact us
العربيةFor care providersBook a session
Skip to article text

Child behaviour: understanding and responding to hitting and refusal

Fahad AlmalikMedical review: Tatmeen team9 min read
طفل عابس بجوار امرأة، وحوله صور صغيرة لطفل يصرخ ويرمي المكعبات ويجلس منفردًا.
Article contents
  1. If safety is at risk now
  2. Begin with one specific situation
  3. Stop harm, then teach an alternative
  4. Does every difference need to change?
  5. When to seek assessment
  6. Before agreeing to sessions
  7. Frequently Asked Questions
  8. Sources and references
  9. Writer and reviewer

If ending playtime leads to hitting, or homework has become a daily battle, you may be looking for help with your child's behaviour. Before choosing sessions, try to understand what they find difficult. Is the request clear and within their abilities? What happens when they get upset? Repeated hitting or refusal does not, by itself, explain the cause or establish a diagnosis.

“Behaviour modification” is a term used for helping children learn more useful responses, such as asking for help instead of hitting. Support is chosen around the child's needs and may include guidance for the family or help with communication and learning. The aim is a safer day and a child better able to express themselves and take part in suitable activities.

If safety is at risk now

Seek immediate help if your child's behaviour is unsafe, or they tell you they are thinking about hurting themselves or someone else. If you cannot keep them or others safe1 now, call an ambulance on 9972 for a medical emergency. For a direct security threat, call 91112 in the Makkah, Madinah, Riyadh and Eastern regions, or 999 in the rest of Saudi Arabia.

In these situations, if safety can be maintained and there is no emergency, contact a doctor or child mental-health professional1 now to understand what is happening and decide the next step. For medical advice in Saudi Arabia, 937 provides consultations with doctors3 around the clock. An advice call must not delay emergency help when it is needed.

Begin with one specific situation

Look at what happened before deciding what it means. Was your child tired, hungry or in pain4? Did they understand the request, and could they do it? Was the setting overwhelming, or had something in their day changed? At a calm moment, ask: “Which part was difficult for you?” Listen to their answer, whether they use speech, a gesture or another familiar way of communicating6.

You can copy this note and describe an incident you remember:

Before it happened: where were we? What was asked of the child, or what happened to them?

What they did or said: use a specific description, such as “pushed their brother” or “closed the workbook.”

What happened afterwards: how did we respond, and how did the situation end?

When it is easier: what is different at those times?

The child's account and nursery or school observations: include these if available.

This note helps you explain what is happening. You do not need a completed daily record before asking for help. What follows a behaviour can be useful information, but it does not, by itself, prove the child acted deliberately to get that result.

A young child who struggles to stop playing

For example, a four-year-old pushes their brother when suddenly asked to leave the building blocks and put on shoes. The family becomes occupied with stopping the hitting, and leaving the house is delayed. On other days, the child moves on more easily when they know what is coming next. These details suggest trying some preparation for the change.

Next time, give advance notice: “After you put that piece in place, we will leave the blocks and put our shoes on.” Give one clear request: “Put the red blocks in the box,” then help with the next step. Let the child choose between suitable shoes. At a calm time, practise asking for help with tidying, using words or a gesture their caregivers understand. Preparation, limited choices and simple instructions4 are things to try while continuing to stop hitting.

A school-age child who refuses homework

In another example, a seven-year-old comes home tired and puts off opening the workbook. After repeated requests to finish a page, they tear it, and an adult does the homework for them. Yet they answer some questions aloud when someone reads them out. Later, when calm, they say: “I do not understand what the question wants me to do.”

Find out whether the child understands the instructions, can read what is required, and is being asked to do homework at a workable time. Try reading one question together4, asking them to explain what they understood, and agreeing on a break they can request. Ask their teacher: does this happen at school too? With which tasks? What support helps? The aim is to help your child try with suitable support and clarify whether learning support or further assessment11 is needed.

Start with one change that fits the situation, such as preparing for a transition or reading the first question together. Next time, notice: was starting the task easier? Could your child ask for help when they needed it? If the change did not help, ask which part was still difficult and adjust the support4 around what you learned. You can discuss their needs with their teacher or a professional; do not delay an assessment when harm is repeated1 or distress and disruption are clear.

Stop harm, then teach an alternative

When hitting happens, separate the children and move dangerous objects away as far as you can do so safely. Attend to anyone who is hurt, and use brief, calm words: “Hitting hurts. I am separating you now.” Do not wait for a long explanation while your child is upset5.

After they settle, listen to what happened and practise an alternative5: saying “stop,” asking for a turn, or asking an adult for help. If speech is difficult, choose a clear gesture together. Rehearse it at a calm time and acknowledge a specific attempt4 when it happens: “You asked me for help when you were angry.”

Keep limits clear. Remove a toy that is being thrown at others to stop the harm, then teach safe use. If your child damages something, help them put right what they can manage, such as tidying a toy or wiping up spilled water. An adult should handle broken glass and sharp objects; making things right must not create another danger.

Do not use hitting, humiliation, threats or pain as punishment. Do not use harmful substances or force a disliked activity as punishment, or withhold food, sleep or care. Harmful physical and verbal punishment hurts children7; limits can be taught without hurting4 them.

If you raise your voice or otherwise respond badly, return to your child when you are calm. Apologise, explain what you will try differently next time, and follow through. This also shows them how to learn from mistakes4 and put things right.

Does every difference need to change?

A behaviour does not need treatment simply because it looks different. Some autistic children find repetitive movements6, such as hand-flapping or rocking, calming. Do not make stopping these a goal when they are harmless. Reducing noise, allowing rest or preparing for change may matter more than asking a child to endure something overwhelming.

When to seek assessment

Seek assessment when difficulties continue1, cause distress to your child or family, affect learning, sleep, play or relationships, or begin to worsen. You do not need to wait a set number of weeks, see the difficulty in two settings, or exhaust every home strategy first.

Notice changes that do not involve hitting too, such as withdrawing or losing interest1 in things your child used to enjoy. Mention them when seeking assessment. If you have a new concern about health or development, or your child loses a skill they previously used8, speak with their doctor without delay.

You can begin with a paediatrician1, family doctor, or a qualified professional experienced in assessing children.

Describe one or two situations, when the change began, what affects it, and what your child and their teacher say about it. Assessment considers health, development, abilities and circumstances11 to identify suitable support. It does not automatically mean starting sessions. Learning or communication support, treatment of a health problem, or family guidance may be the priority.

If you suspect abuse or harm: protect your child from further harm and report it to the domestic violence reporting centre on 19199, which is free and available around the clock. For a medical emergency2 or direct security threat12, use the emergency numbers set out above, according to the situation.

Sexual behaviour involving coercion or harm, or which does not fit the child's developmental level, needs specialist assessment10 and a response that protects every child involved. Stop the harmful situation safely and seek help; do not try to manage it with a reward-and-punishment chart.

Before agreeing to sessions

Ask the professional to explain what they assessed and why they recommend this help. Useful questions include:

  • What goal will serve my child, such as reducing harm or helping them ask for help and participate at school?
  • What approach do you recommend, and what evidence supports its suitability for my child's needs?
  • How will we and the people caring for them take part in teaching and supporting them?
  • How will we know whether it helps, and when will we review the plan if it does not help or their distress increases?

The number of sessions and type of support depend on assessment and response1. Ask for a clear plan that can be reviewed. Do not rely on a guaranteed result or a number of sessions said to suit every child.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does behaviour modification mean for a child?

“Behaviour modification” is a term used for helping children learn more useful responses, such as asking for help instead of hitting. Before choosing sessions, try to understand what your child finds difficult: is the request clear and within their abilities, and what happens when they get upset? Support is chosen around the child's needs and may include guidance for the family or help with communication and learning.

What should I do when my child hits another child?

Stop the harm first, and leave explanations until your child is calm. Separate the children, move dangerous objects away as far as you can do so safely, and attend to anyone who is hurt. Use brief, calm words: “Hitting hurts. I am separating you now.” After your child settles, listen and practise an alternative: saying “stop,” asking for a turn, asking an adult for help, or using a clear gesture if speech is difficult.

Should I hit or harshly punish my child to stop the hitting?

No. Harmful physical and verbal punishment hurts children, and limits can be taught without hurting them. Do not use hitting, humiliation, threats or pain as punishment, or withhold food, sleep or care. Keep limits clear: remove a toy that is being thrown at others, then teach safe use. If you raise your voice or otherwise respond badly, return to your child when you are calm, apologise, and explain what you will try differently next time.

What can I do if my child refuses to do homework?

First find out whether your child understands the instructions, can read what is required, and is being asked to do homework at a workable time. Try reading one question together, asking them to explain what they understood, and agreeing on a break they can request. Ask their teacher whether this happens at school too, with which tasks, and what support helps. This clarifies whether learning support or further assessment is needed.

When should I seek an assessment for my child's behaviour?

Seek assessment when difficulties continue, begin to worsen, cause distress to your child or family, or affect learning, sleep, play or relationships. You do not need to wait a set number of weeks, see the difficulty in two settings, or exhaust every home strategy first. You can begin with a paediatrician, family doctor, or a qualified professional experienced in assessing children. If your child loses a skill they previously used, speak with their doctor without delay.

Writing and article review

Fahad AlmalikWritten byFahad Almalik

Content writer and researcher at Tatmeen, writing in Arabic and English about mental health and everyday life, from relationships and stress to work, habits, and family.

Tatmeen teamMedical reviewTatmeen team

Every Tatmeen article is reviewed by care providers licensed by the Saudi Commission for Health Specialties, so what you read is accurate and trustworthy.

How we write and reviewSpotted an error? Tell us

This article builds understanding and does not replace a licensed care provider.

Need someone to talk to?

Tatmeen's licensed care providers are available around the clock, and the app's urgent consultation connects you with one within minutes.

Talk to a care provider

In immediate danger?

If you or someone you know is in danger, call an ambulance on 997 or go to the nearest emergency department.

Emergency numbers

Was this article helpful?

Add us to Google
All articles

Talk to a care provider

Your session, remotely and your way: voice, video or text.

  • Licensed by the Saudi Commission for Health Specialties
  • Available around the clock
  • Complete privacy and confidentiality
All care providers

One step for you, start now

Download Tatmeen to explore care providers and booking options.

  • Smart matchingFour quick questions suggest the right care provider
  • Urgent consultationTalk to an available care provider within minutes
  • Free psychological measuresMore than 20 tests to understand how you are doing

Scan to download