Early Sex Education for Children

Sex education is a major challenge facing every society. In some communities, it is difficult to talk about sex and sexual instincts. So how can we discuss sex education for young children when, in most societies, the word “sex” is synonymous with shame, prohibition, and something too embarrassing to discuss, even with children? 

This is why we say that conveying this very important aspect of life is difficult. The less able parents are to discuss the sexual aspect of their lives in support groups, the harder it becomes to discuss it with their children. If parents have never addressed the sexual dimension themselves, it is difficult for them to communicate with their children about it, especially when they were raised to automatically view it through concepts of shame and prohibition.

That is why, when raising their children, they pass on the approach their own parents used with them. If they do not discuss or address this aspect and do not seek professional guidance of the right kind, it will be difficult for them to talk with their children about this subject.

When Does Sex Education for Children Begin?

Sex education begins from day one, not when the child reaches puberty. When parents start teaching a child about the parts of the body, they should use the proper names for the child's genitals. At nine months or one year, when they begin teaching the child where the body parts are, they should call the genitals by their specific names. They can start at eighteen months or two years old.

What Is Sex Education for Children?

In sex education for children, we should name a girl's sexual organs—the vulva and chest—and avoid terms such as “the shameful area” or “between your legs,” which create a negative association with sexuality and sex. For a boy, use “penis” or any non-obscene word that refers to the male organ. The same applies to the buttocks: we should teach the child their name from the beginning. We should also teach the child not to allow anyone to come near their genitals.

The mother is usually the one who provides this education because she tends to talk more and finds teaching easier. At older ages, it is preferable for a girl to be taught by her mother and a boy by his father. At a young age, both parents can provide this education, but because the mother usually spends more time with the children, she tends to do more of the teaching and finds it easier to raise these subjects than the father does.

If either parent rejects this, it creates a problem. However, the child's questions must be answered, and the other parent should be told why providing this education is important and how essential it is to make children aware of it.

How Do I Talk to a Child About Sex Education?

Sex Education in Early Childhood

During early childhood, a child begins discovering the genitals. Boys generally begin at around eighteen months, and sometimes at one year, because the organ is external and therefore discovered early. They discover sexual pleasure and enjoyment from touching it. Some girls begin discovering it at two years old, while others do not because this area is treated as off-limits, so they do not discover the organ or the pleasure they feel from touching it.

A boy experiences sexual sensations between the ages of two and four, and at age five the sexual instinct becomes more pronounced. Sexual sensations in children are not lust; rather, a child feels something pleasant when touching himself, and his imagination makes him believe that his mother is his special love. A girl's love is initially directed toward her mother and then transferred to her father, which is more complex than it is for boys.

At around age five, children begin to understand that they cannot marry their mother or father. They start distinguishing between boys and girls, and gender-related problems in children may begin to become noticeable at these ages.

At the age when children begin discovering their own sexual pleasure, they experience sexual sensations and may also engage in sexual behaviors, such as touching their private parts.

This may lead parents to threaten the child with beating or other punishments to make them stop. However, this is the wrong reaction because everything forbidden becomes desirable. Parents should discipline the child and teach right from wrong, but it is important to respond only after taking a deep breath, calming down, and recognizing that the sensations the child experiences are pleasurable rather than lustful as they are in adults. When you tell the child that it is not allowed, it is as though you are telling them that it is allowed as long as you do not know. The child sees it as a pleasant sensation that the parents are denying, and this can create a psychological complex because the child feels guilty: the parents say not to do it, yet the child does it and grows up carrying that guilt.

It is therefore important for parents to respond in a balanced way and understand that this is a normal stage.

How Do I Talk to My Child About Sex Education During Childhood?

• A Scientific Response

It is preferable to base the response on science because this reassures the child that everything is all right, that there are boundaries, and that self-pleasure and this pleasant feeling are permitted. The child should understand that touching their genitals creates a pleasant feeling, but no one should see them—not even their mother, father, or siblings—because this is private. It is preferable to do it less often, but the child may do it only in the bathroom with the door closed.

This can be discussed with a two-year-old because sexual identity exists whether or not it is discussed. Some children are born with a stronger sexual instinct than others, and we need to be more cautious with them because they are more likely to exploit other children or engage in more sexual play. Regarding such play, we can be firmer by telling the child that they are still too young for it and are not allowed to touch anyone else's genitals. You must be firm and clear and tell the child that no one has the right to touch them except a doctor.

• A Traditional Response

Instead of hitting the child or saying anything, I distract them and overlook the behavior as though I had not seen it. If it becomes excessive, I tell the child that these things are not allowed because the more we touch ourselves, the more we love ourselves, and this is not appropriate or accepted in our society. We focus on the child's age because we do not want to create a guilt complex. I tell the child that this will be allowed when they grow up and marry, but it is forbidden at their age because it takes place between two grown adults after they love and marry each other. It is allowed after marriage, and I do not explain it in detail.

If a Child Asks Where They Came From, What Should I Say?

We tell the child that there are two ways a baby can come into the world:

1. The first is a cesarean section, which is the easier method and is used by many mothers. We explain that the doctor opens the mother's abdomen, takes the baby out, and then closes the abdomen again. It is important to tell the child that the mother does not feel pain because she is under anesthesia and that this is natural and not painful, so the child does not become afraid.
2. The second is vaginal birth. We explain that the mother has a uterus and can show the child pictures from the internet. We tell them that this is where the fetus forms, becomes a baby, and grows. The uterus is elastic, so it grows as the baby grows. When it is time for birth, labor contractions begin, the mother's vulval area opens, and the baby comes out through the mother's vulva. Many parents find this answer difficult to explain, but it satisfies the child. It is important to avoid phrases such as “We found you at the market” or “We bought you,” because they can create psychological complexes in the child.

Sex Education During the School Years

I tell my child that when playing with anyone, whether young or old, the important thing is to feel comfortable. If the other person touches the child's genitals, the child should look them in the eyes, shout, and say that they do not accept it. The child's body belongs to them, and no one is allowed to touch certain parts of it.

It should be noted that most sexual harassment occurs in the home rather than outside it, and only a small proportion occurs elsewhere, such as in the child's school classroom. Children should be taught from an early age that if anyone tries to touch their genitals—whether their father, brother, or anyone else—they should shout, move away, and tell their mother. Most importantly, they must tell her because she will stand by them and protect them.

A child can invent many things, but cannot invent having been sexually harmed. If a child says they were assaulted, the matter must be investigated. If it becomes clear that no assault occurred, the child should receive treatment. Do not ignore this, because it is a sign of severe distress. If the child has a vivid imagination and imagines sexual things, that is a problem. This results from viewing inappropriate sexual content that has shaped the child's imagination.

Exposing a child to pornographic films constitutes sexual assault. A child who sleeps in the parents' bedroom senses everything, so the parents should not have sex in a room where the child sleeps. Even if the child is only a few months old, this is a risk because the child is asleep but senses everything. Sexual relations should therefore take place in a room separate from the children's bedroom.

Sex Education During Puberty

When Should We Talk About Puberty?

• With girls, we can discuss it from the age of eight because girls begin menstruating at an average age of ten.
• With boys, we can discuss it at age ten, and booklets are available to help parents explain it.

Sex Education at Home

Parents need to communicate openly and clearly about what is and is not allowed between males and females. Many families today misunderstand openness; for example, a brother and sister may bathe together, or parents may bathe with their children.

It is important to explain to children that they should not bathe together, even if they are two girls, a mother and daughter, or a father and son. From age two, shared bathing is not preferable because the sexual instinct exists and can be aroused by things that are not supposed to arouse it. We can discuss the genitals, how babies come into the world, or birth, and explain to a boy what happens to a girl and to a girl what happens to a boy, while clarifying the differences. Siblings should not enter the bathroom together. There should be clarity, the conversation should remain open, and the boundaries should be explicit.

As parents, we may encounter sexual situations at home that require enough awareness to handle them properly. For example, a child may accidentally see a parent's genitals.

This is not a problem because it is part of human nature and the human body, and there is nothing to discuss unless the child asks. However, if the child accidentally sees the parents having sex, it is important to talk with the child and address the subject. If the child is young, it can be explained by saying that the parents love each other and were expressing their love, and that this is allowed only between two married adults. When discussing marital relations, we should not use “I” or “we,” but should speak of every mother and father and explain that what happened was an expression of their love.

What Should I Do if My Child Sees Sexually Suggestive Content in Cartoons?

1. If these suggestions consist of kisses and hugs, I do not draw the child's attention to them. However, if children ask about full sexual relations, we should explain that these occur between two married adults who share deep love. This brings them closer and may include kisses. This is good and makes a person happy, provided that the person is a grown adult.
2. It should be noted here that kissing children on the mouth is not recommended for parents.
3. We must pay attention to what the child watches and not allow them to view things beyond their age, so they do not try to imitate what they saw with relatives or friends.
4. The Importance of Monitoring the Content a Child Watches. If it contains a kiss, we may allow the child to watch, but we should not allow them to view scenes containing details of sexual relations.

How Do I Know if My Child's Sexual Behavior Is Abnormal, and What Should I Do?

Normal behavior in children includes touching the body and attempting sexual play with school friends, provided that this involves only touching and kissing; this is considered normal. However, boundaries must be set by explaining that this is not allowed between children and occurs only between married adults. The response should be no more and no less than this, so the child does not develop psychological complexes that could lead them to become deviant or reject marriage and sex in adulthood.

Parents should seek guidance so they can understand how to stop these behaviors in children without belittling, insulting, or hitting them, while still being very firm. When parents see their child engaging in sexual behavior, they should be firm so the child understands that the behavior is very wrong. From there, they should begin seeking professional help.

It is important to understand that the preceding acts are considered sexual assault when there is an age gap of three years or more. When the children are the same age, it is considered sexual play rather than sexual assault and may arise from exploration or curiosity. Sexual play or some assaults may pass without the child experiencing trauma if the child perceives them as a game, and the child may grow and develop in a very healthy way. When the child is not hurt and feels pleasure and enjoyment, the child does not experience trauma. However, when adults magnify the incident in front of the child instead of addressing it, and when they interpret every exploratory touching of the genitals as sexual, this can drive the child into trauma.

Ultimately, parents must recognize that everyone today is talking about sex, whether we like it or not. It is present, and our situation now is better than it was many years ago. Sexual harassment, assaults, and sexual play have decreased considerably compared with the past because awareness has grown. Parents today face the internet and the sexual content and films it contains.

Today, advertising images use seductive forms, and everything around us has begun to talk about sex. Society is no longer built on concealment.

It is important to be aware that many people experience sexual complexes and psychological difficulties, including depression, fears, and others. According to Freud, their underlying basis is the sexual instinct, and most problems can be traced back to that instinct, which has a place in our difficulties. There are two instincts—aggressive and sexual—and both also need to be regulated.

The process of regulating instincts is very important; therefore, sex education is very important. I advise everyone to attend sexual-awareness courses because if parents are not at peace with this subject, they will not be able to teach their children or answer their children's questions about their genitals. By seeking guidance they will be able to handle this subject more effectively.