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Why do harmful relationships repeat?

Alanoud AlturkiMedical review: Tatmeen team7 min read
ثلاث صور ورقية لامرأة ورجل يديران ظهريهما، يمر فوقها خيط أحمر على خلفية عنابية.
Article contents
  1. Attraction, discovering harm and staying are different experiences
  2. Review one event rather than giving yourself a fixed label
  3. An example: attention does not erase your own time
  4. What can change in a future relationship?
  5. If you are in a harmful relationship now
  6. Frequently Asked Questions
  7. Sources and references
  8. Writer and reviewer

After more than one hurtful experience, you may wonder, “Why do I end up in the same relationship with a different person?” You can examine what seems to recur. Repetition alone does not reveal a flaw in you or make you responsible for someone else's abuse. Start with what you knew at the time, what emerged later, and what might give you more room to choose now.

During an assault or an immediate threat in Saudi Arabia, seek urgent help: 999 for security patrols and 997 for an ambulance, as needed. 1919 receives domestic violence reports around the clock2. You do not need to finish analyzing your relationships before seeking protection.

Attraction, discovering harm and staying are different experiences

You may have liked someone's attention or confidence, then later found that they ridiculed you during disagreements or pressured you to leave important people behind. You may have noticed the problem but found it difficult to step back because of housing, money, care responsibilities or fear of their reaction. Feelings, practical dependence and threats3 can coexist in one relationship.

It helps to ask about each stage separately. What appealed to you initially? What did you not yet know? What happened when you needed to disagree? Avoid judging an earlier choice using information that only emerged later. If your options are limited today, look for support with the actual need instead of demanding that willpower solve everything.

You may use “narcissistic” to describe what happened. But confidence or intense early attention is not enough to diagnose narcissistic personality disorder; diagnosis requires specialist assessment4. You can take ridicule, control or threats seriously without establishing that diagnosis.

Review one event rather than giving yourself a fixed label

Choose one situation you remember clearly. You can think about it or discuss it with a safe person; you do not have to write it down. If your devices are monitored, avoid saving notes the other person might discover. Private browsing does not guarantee5 that your activity is hidden.

Question to consider Example
What did I know at the time? They seemed interested in my time; I did not yet know how they responded to refusal.
What became clear in an actual situation? When I declined a meeting because of an earlier commitment, they insulted me and demanded that I cancel it.
What made it hard to step back? I feared their anger and had nobody I could talk to without being blamed.
What support or arrangement do I want now? Someone to hear what happened, and information about my options before a larger commitment.

The example does not explain every relationship or produce a safety score. Its purpose is to turn “I attract harm” into information you can use: “I need to understand how my refusal is treated and find someone I can consult.” You do not need to remember the whole past to seek help in the present.

An example: attention does not erase your own time

During an engagement, your fiancé or fiancée may want to talk every evening. You want to stay in touch, but you have a day reserved for family or study. If it is safe to disagree, you might say, “I enjoy our conversations, and I have a commitment on Tuesdays. Let's agree on another time.”

They might feel disappointed, then respect the arrangement. Or they might demand that you cancel every other commitment, insult you, or punish you whenever you refuse. Different preferences or a passing disappointment differ from pressure that makes compliance a condition of respectful treatment. Respect for time, privacy and choices about closeness is part of a healthy relationship6.

Do not manufacture a situation to provoke them or “test their personality.” Learn from events that actually happen and how you both handle disagreement over time. If you fear punishment or violence, begin with independent support. Saying something firmly is not a test you must pass before getting help.

What can change in a future relationship?

Consider one commitment you need time or information before making: sharing private information, a financial arrangement, or moving home. If circumstances allow, do not let early enthusiasm crowd out practical questions: What are we agreeing to? Can I change my mind? Whom can I consult away from this person's pressure? No number of meetings or fixed period guarantees that you know someone.

You might tell someone you trust, “I'd like to describe something that happened. I don't want you to decide for me or contact the other person.” Consider the time, relationships and practical support you can keep available. A safe connection outside this relationship7 may give you somewhere to talk when you need it.

You may notice that you agree quickly to avoid embarrassment or anger, or take on repairing every disagreement yourself. You can discuss this with a professional: When does it happen? What do you fear when refusing? What helps you express a need? Psychotherapy can address relationships8, troubling thoughts and stress according to the person's circumstances. Repeated experiences do not establish one childhood explanation or a particular treatment.

If you are in a harmful relationship now

The next step may be information about housing, care or a suitable way to communicate, rather than a new relationship or confrontation. The guide to difficulty leaving a harmful relationship helps turn a barrier into a support question. The guide to control and seeking support explores what happens around refusal and requests for help. Avoid following a general departure plan or announcing a change that could increase danger; discuss your circumstances with a competent service.

Learning of abuse covered by Saudi Arabia's Protection from Abuse Law requires immediate reporting9; its regulation specifies direct reporting to security authorities10. Explain concerns about monitoring or retaliation. Ordinary disagreement alone does not establish a covered abuse case.

Choose what you want to understand now: a situation that recurs, a commitment you need to take more slowly, or a need that makes stepping back difficult. You can work on that part of your life while responsibility for abuse remains with the person who caused it.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I keep ending up in harmful relationships?

Repetition alone does not reveal a flaw in you or make you responsible for someone else's abuse. It helps to look at each stage separately: you may have liked someone's attention or confidence, then later discovered harm, then found it difficult to step back because of housing, money, care responsibilities or fear of their reaction. Avoid judging an earlier choice using information that only emerged later.

Was the person who hurt me a narcissist?

You may use “narcissistic” to describe what happened, but confidence or intense early attention is not enough to diagnose narcissistic personality disorder; diagnosis requires specialist assessment. You do not need that diagnosis to take ridicule, control or threats seriously.

How can I tell if someone respects my boundaries?

Notice what happens when you decline or refuse in a real situation. They might feel disappointed, then respect the arrangement. Or they might demand that you cancel every other commitment, insult you, or punish you whenever you refuse. A passing disappointment differs from pressure that makes compliance a condition of respectful treatment. Do not manufacture a situation to test them; if you fear punishment or violence, begin with independent support.

How can I avoid repeating a harmful relationship?

Before a future commitment, consider what you need time or information for, such as sharing private information, a financial arrangement or moving home. If circumstances allow, do not let early enthusiasm crowd out practical questions: What are we agreeing to? Can I change my mind? Whom can I consult away from this person's pressure? No number of meetings or fixed period guarantees that you know someone.

What should I do if I am in a harmful relationship now?

During an assault or an immediate threat in Saudi Arabia, seek urgent help: 999 for security patrols and 997 for an ambulance, as needed. 1919 receives domestic violence reports around the clock. You do not need to finish analyzing your relationships before seeking protection.

The next step may be information about housing, care or a suitable way to communicate, rather than confrontation. Avoid following a general departure plan or announcing a change that could increase danger; discuss your circumstances with a competent service. Learning of abuse covered by Saudi Arabia's Protection from Abuse Law requires immediate reporting, and its regulation specifies direct reporting to security authorities. Explain concerns about monitoring or retaliation; ordinary disagreement alone does not establish a covered abuse case.

Writing and article review

Alanoud AlturkiWritten byAlanoud Alturki

Content writer and researcher at Tatmeen, writing in Arabic and English on mental health and everyday life topics, including relationships, stress, work, habits, and family.

Tatmeen teamMedical reviewTatmeen team

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