Many people come to me looking for answers to these questions: Why am I still not in a relationship? Why do my relationships end and fail to progress? Why do I always become involved with the wrong person? The answers to these questions mostly relate to our childhood caregiver: the type of bond and quality of our relationship with our parents or family. This is because our emotional relationships today are influenced by the type and quality of our relationship with our childhood caregivers, who are usually our parents. This article explains emotional attachment and its different types as outcomes of our relationship with our childhood caregiver.

According to attachment theory, which was expanded in the 1980s to explain romantic relationships among adults, there are four adult attachment styles: secure, anxious (insecure), avoidant, and disorganized. Because our romantic relationships are influenced by our relationships with childhood caregivers, we need to consider what distinguishes the caregiver associated with each attachment style. Below is a description of the behaviors that characterize adults with each of the four styles, helping us answer this question: How do our relationships with caregivers affect our attachment as adults in emotional and romantic relationships?

The different types of emotional attachment:

  • Secure emotional attachment:This style is associated with a caregiver who responds appropriately, promptly, and consistently to the child’s needs, successfully forming a secure parental attachment with the child. This type of emotional attachment produces an independent person who trusts others and learned early in life that other people can be relied upon. They are self-confident, do not fear commitment, and have flexible, uncomplicated views about relationships. They communicate well and clearly about the relationship and their life partner, and they know how to reach compromises and make concessions. They are not afraid to rely on others, do not see relationships as difficult, enjoy closeness, introduce their life partner to friends and family from the beginning, and express their feelings naturally.
  • Insecure emotional attachment (anxious):This style is associated with a caregiver whose behavior shifts inconsistently between appropriate responses and neglect. In general, the caregiver responds only after the child’s attachment behavior intensifies. This type of attachment produces a person who wants a great deal of closeness in a relationship and expresses fear and anxiety about rejection and abandonment. They are unhappy when not in a relationship and use negative tactics or games to gain their partner’s attention and care. They find it difficult to express what is troubling them and expect their partner to guess how they feel. They allow their partner to set the tone of the relationship to please them, fearing that they will leave. Their mind is always occupied with the relationship, they fear that small things will destroy it, and they suspect that their partner may be unfaithful, constantly looking for signs of this.
  • Avoidant emotional attachment:This style is associated with a caregiver who responds little or not at all to the child’s distress, discourages crying, and encourages independence. As the child matures, this may lead them to conduct relationships in a way that sends mixed messages to the other person: sometimes they want the person and seek closeness, while at other times they push them away and seek personal space. They highly value their independence, devalue their life partner or former partners, use strategies to create emotional or physical distance, and emphasize relationship boundaries. They hold unrealistic views about committed relationships, do not trust others, and fear being exploited by their partner. They have inflexible rules in the relationship; during a discussion, they either turn their back and leave or become angry and “explode.” Their intentions are unclear, and they have difficulty communicating clearly about the relationship.
  • Disorganized emotional attachment:This style is associated with a frightening caregiver or one who displays frightening behaviors, such as intrusion, withdrawal, negativity, communication errors, and mistreatment of the child. This can create a person who often feels fear and anxiety when forming committed, intimate relationships, meaning relationships involving emotional closeness. Their self-image is negative, and they speak about themselves in extremely harmful ways, such as: “I am unlovable,” “I will spend my whole life alone,” “I am hated,” or “I am worthless.” They often feel profoundly lonely because of their intense desire to connect and communicate genuinely with the other person. However, the tension and fear that characterize their response to this desire cause them to behave inconsistently, pushing away a potential connection. They may trust you now and suddenly doubt you, or be cooperative one moment and withdrawn the next. This leads the other person to distance themselves and further reinforces the internal negative beliefs that they are unwanted and unloved.


My message from all of this is that before changing your life partner, it is important to look within yourself. It is easy to point an accusing finger at your partner and blame them for every marital problem. Each of you carries thoughts and feelings that you need to recognize and address. Only then can genuine change occur and the pursuit of a healthier, more successful marital relationship begin.


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