Mom Is the Joy of a Lifetime

A post on an Instagram page caught my attention. The page usually publishes highly valuable and important content about raising children in the early childhood years. Unfortunately, however, some of the content published on this page may be mistaken, placing it in complete conflict with theories of healthy psychological development in children.

This time, I will allow myself to use the post’s title, "Mom Is the Joy of a Lifetime." The post aimed to encourage a girl to share her feelings with her mother, especially if someone was bothering her. The mother gave her daughter an example from her own childhood: "Once, when I was a little girl, my seat at school bothered me. I thought I should tell my mother about it. When I did, she went to the school and had my seat changed, which made me more comfortable."

As a psychologist, I found the post’s title and content extremely troubling, which prompted me to write about the subject. In an attempt to correct its message, I want to tell you that mothers and fathers cannot fix everything in life. Life is full of challenges and difficulties. The role of parents is therefore to give their children some of the methods and tools—emphasizing the word some—that enable them to address their problems. Life itself will teach them many things; learning does not come from parents alone.

Returning to the example in the post, if a child finds it difficult to change their school seat or face challenges at school, we should first teach them that we, as parents, cannot be available at school with them at all times. They therefore need to think about facing challenges on their own using the resources available, such as approaching the principal or the authority responsible for such matters at school to resolve the problem. If that approach does not work, they can turn to their parents. It is important to help them understand that, in some circumstances, changing the seat may not be possible. This is where parents play an important role in helping their children learn how to adapt to circumstances and deal with situations that are uncomfortable for us.

Parents fulfill this important role when they give their children the opportunity to talk about what they feel and how much harder those feelings may become when they cannot find a solution to the problems they face. Children need to learn that life does not always go as we want it to. Sometimes we have the ability to make a change, while at other times there is nothing we can do to change things. We need to accept that life is not always logical or fair and that it contains what is beautiful and good as well as what is ugly and bad.

My message to you as both a mother and a psychologist is this: stand beside your children, listen to them, and try to help them as much as you can. But do not overprotect them in a way that weakens them and strips them of the inner strengths they were born with, so that they can learn to cope with the pressures of life.

The first people I treated when I opened my clinic were 18-year-old young men and women who had been raised according to the principle of excessive protection because of their parents’ fears. Their parents met most of their needs even before they asked. As a result, when the children faced the first real lesson life taught them, they responded with fear of responsibility, leading them to experience fear and depression.

I will conclude with the famous words of Gibran Khalil Gibran: "Your children are not yours; your children are the children of life."

Love your children, but do not smother them. Our children do not need an adult who is constantly pitying them or fearing life’s challenges on their behalf. They need an adult who believes in their abilities and their inner strengths to face those challenges. Our lives are full of challenges and difficulties. Believe in your children’s ability to handle them, and do not hold onto feelings of fear or pity toward them. Even if you do not show your children your fear, they can feel it. I believe there is an umbilical cord connecting us to our children that allows them to sense us without our needing to speak. Pity and fear will weaken them and make them forget their inner strength. Give me an example of strengths you discovered in your children when you were able to free them from your fears.

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