It is important to know the best time to begin a safe conversation with someone who has borderline personality disorder. If the person is angry, verbally abusive, or making threats, this is not the right time to talk. It is better to postpone the conversation calmly by saying something like, “Let’s talk later when we are calm. I want to give you my full attention, but that is very difficult for me to do right now.” In this article, we will discuss how to deal with someone who has borderline personality disorder when things are calmer.


How do we deal with someone who has borderline personality disorder?

1. Listen actively and be empathetic

Avoid distractions such as the television, computer, or mobile phone. Try not to interrupt the conversation or redirect it toward your own interests. Do not pass judgment, avoid criticism, and show interest in what is being said by nodding occasionally or making brief verbal comments. You do not have to agree with what the person says to make it clear that you are listening and empathizing.

2. Focus on emotions, not words

The feelings of someone with borderline personality disorder communicate far more than the words they use. People with borderline personality disorder need their feelings to be validated and the pain they experience not to be denied.

3. Try to make the person with borderline personality disorder feel heard

Do not try to win the argument or point out what you believe is wrong, even when you are certain of it.

4. Do your best to remain calm

Remain calm even when the person with borderline personality disorder is agitated. Avoid defending yourself against accusations and criticism, regardless of how unfairly treated you feel, because doing so will make them angrier. If you feel that you need to calm down, I advise you to step away.

5. When their emotions become intense, try to distract them

Distraction will be more effective if the activity itself is calming, such as exercising, drinking hot tea, listening to music, caring for a pet, drawing, or gardening.

6. Talk about things other than the disorder

Set aside time to explore and discuss other interests. Conversations about lighter subjects can help ease the conflict between you and may encourage the person to discover new interests or resume old hobbies.

7. Do not ignore destructive behaviors or suicide threats

If you believe the person with borderline personality disorder is at risk of suicide, do not leave them alone, and seek help.

8. Set healthy boundaries with the person who has borderline personality disorder

One of the most effective ways to help someone with borderline personality disorder control their behavior is to set and enforce healthy boundaries. Defining boundaries can help them cope better with the demands of the outside world, where schools, workplaces, and legal systems, for example, impose firm limits. Establishing boundaries in your relationship can replace chaos and instability and give you more options for how to respond when faced with negative behavior. When both parties respect the boundaries, you can build a sense of trust and mutual respect, which are essential components of any meaningful relationship.

Setting boundaries is not a magic solution for a relationship. In fact, things may get worse at first before they improve. A person with borderline personality disorder fears rejection and is sensitive to even the slightest change. This means that if you have never set boundaries in your relationship before, the other person will probably react badly when you begin. If you give in to their anger or mistreatment, you will reinforce their negative behavior, and the problem will continue. You can, however, commit to being firm and standing by your decisions.

9. Support treatment for borderline personality disorder

Borderline personality disorder is highly treatable, yet it is common for people with the disorder to avoid treatment or deny that they have a problem. Even if this is true in your situation, you can still offer support, improve communication, and set boundaries while continuing to encourage your friend or family member to seek professional help.

Within the therapeutic setting, the therapist must demonstrate professional consistency and emotional balance and maintain boundarieswithout threatening abandonment in response to the various temptations and assaults that may come from the person with borderline personality disorder. The therapist should seize the appropriate opportunity to review these challenges in the relationship with the client, helping them develop insight into the nature of their personality and the defense mechanisms they use, in the hope that they will apply what they learn through the therapeutic relationship to improve other relationships they form outside therapy.


As I conclude these tips, I am reminded of the Islamic saying: “Love your beloved moderately, for one day they may become someone you hate; and hate the one you hate moderately, for one day they may become someone you love.” This moderation and emotional regulation are the desired goals of psychotherapy.


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