How to Support Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to face significant difficulties in their relationships, especially with those closest to them. Their intense mood swings, angry outbursts, constant fears of abandonment, and impulsive behavior can leave loved ones and others around them feeling helpless and stressed. Partners and family members of people with BPD often describe the relationship as a never-ending emotional roller coaster. You may feel constantly trapped, as though your only choices are to leave them or help them obtain treatment appropriate for their condition.

You can change the relationship by managing your reactions, setting firm boundaries, and improving communication between you. There is no magic solution, but with appropriate treatment and support, they can improve and your relationship can become more stable. Those who receive the greatest support and stability at home improve sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic and who feel insecure.

How do I deal with someone who has borderline personality disorder?

Whether the person with borderline personality disorder is your partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, or anyone else you love, you can improve and develop your relationship with them even if they are not ready to acknowledge the problem or seek treatment. The following steps can help:

1. Learn about borderline personality disorder

Borderline personality disorder can be a confusing diagnosis, and there are many misconceptions about what people with BPD experience. Educating yourself about the condition and its symptoms can give you a clearer understanding of what your loved one is going through. You can read about borderline personality disorder using reliable sources or contact a mental health professional to help you understand them better. Understanding the nature of BPD can help you support them during their treatment journey.

2. Validate their feelings

People with borderline personality disorder experience intense reactions and emotions that people without the disorder often find difficult to understand. You may try to talk with them about what they are feeling or dismiss them as simply irrational, but these feelings are very real to the person. Dismissing their feelings is therefore not only deeply hurtful but also counterproductive.

You can validate their feelings without agreeing with them. Simply reflecting what they say to you can be highly effective. For example, you could say, “I can see that you are hurting, and it must feel terrible to feel this way,” instead of, “There is no reason for you to feel this way.” Listen with empathy and respect. Validation and acceptance are so important for people with borderline personality disorder that they have become one of the most important steps in treatment. Ensuring that your loved one feels understood and heard can go a long way toward helping them and preserving your relationship.

3. Keep your message and goals simple

Borderline personality disorder may cause people to distort and misinterpret what you say in ways that confirm their worst suspicions about you or themselves. A seemingly harmless statement can easily be turned into an attack, even when that is far from what you intended. You may feel unable to reach your loved one because the disorder stands between you, distorts your true intentions, and makes communication impossible. To reduce the risk of this happening, follow this advice:

When speaking with someone who has borderline personality disorder, especially about sensitive issues, remember that emotions are often so intense that neither of you can think clearly. Keep each sentence short, simple, and direct, leaving little room for misinterpretation. This does not guarantee that misunderstandings will not occur, but it can make communication easier and help you reduce them as much as possible.

4. Encourage them to take responsibility

When someone you love has borderline personality disorder, it can be easy to take on a caregiving role. It is natural to want to help someone you care about deeply and restore normal life as quickly as possible, but encouraging responsibility is sometimes one of the most important things you can do to help. This does not mean leaving them alone to face BPD without support. It means resisting the urge to rescue them from the consequences of their actions.

For example, if they break something while angry, do not rush to fix it for them. If they fall into debt, do not bail them out. Allowing them to experience natural consequences can help them understand that they need help. It can also help you cope better by stepping back and not accepting responsibility for things that are not your fault.

5. Always set boundaries

Just as encouraging responsibility may initially feel wrong, as though you are betraying your loved one, setting boundaries may feel the same way. However, establishing and maintaining boundaries can encourage the person to take responsibility for their choices and prevent you from tolerating unacceptable behavior and conduct. Ultimately, it can also strengthen your relationship.

When setting boundaries, consider what will be helpful and realistic. Introduce new ideas calmly and lovingly rather than making accusations. Do not be surprised if your loved one initially interprets boundaries as a sign of rejection or if things become worse before they improve. Keep going through this difficult period, as boundaries can be extremely helpful for both of you.

6. Enjoy time together

Healthy relationships and bonds flourish when people share positive emotions. One of the most helpful things a supportive person can do is suggest a healthy activity that both of you enjoy, such as walking in nature, gardening, attending a concert, or watching an entertaining film. Activities you do together can benefit both the person with borderline personality disorder and the person supporting them.

Your relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder can be difficult, but always remember that they are not always like this. The disorder does not define them; they are more than it. With your help and acceptance during treatment, along with appropriate care, they can achieve recovery. Keep reminding them of their strength, acknowledge their efforts, and make sure they know that you support them. Do not lose faith in their potential or underestimate their ability to enjoy a happier, more emotionally stable life. You can also contact our team of mental health experts by downloading the Tatmeen app.

Download the Tatmeen app for online psychological and family counseling from the App Store or Google Play. You can also register on the Tatmeen mental health website to access valuable information and practical tools for strengthening your mental health.