At times, each of us needs the people around us to help us make a decision. None of us can live in isolation from others, because seeking another person’s advice and sharing how we feel to help us decide is part of what gives things meaning. The problem begins, however, when asking others for help becomes the approach we follow in making all our decisions, even simple ones. This is what is diagnosed as dependent personality disorder. A person with this personality needs friendships and social relationships, yet suffers greatly when these relationships fail and friendships are lost because excessive dependence and reliance drive others away.

What are the symptoms of dependent personality disorder?

Difficulty making everyday decisions.

A person with the disorder has difficulty making everyday decisions without extensive advice and reassurance from others. They consult those around them about the simplest daily matters to a degree that may become frustrating. When others stop responding to the demands of a person with dependent personality disorder, the person experiences considerable anxiety.

Needing others to assume their responsibilities.

A person with dependent personality disorder needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life. For example, if the person is a married woman, she may depend on her husband for even the simplest matters in life. This may lead her husband to see her as weak and insecure, lose confidence in her abilities, and become frustrated by her complete dependence on him.


Difficulty expressing disagreement with or opposition to others’ views.

A person with dependent personality disorder finds it difficult to disagree with others because they fear losing support or approval. It is important to note that this fear is limited to losing support and does not include a genuine fear of the consequences of accepting another person’s opinion when it is harmful. For example, when the person is with a group of friends, they may agree with everything the group says even when they do not privately believe it, fearing that disagreement will lead the group to reject or abandon them.


 Difficulty doing things alone.


The person finds it difficult to start personal projects or do things alone because they lack confidence in themselves or their abilities, not because they lack motivation or energy. They therefore often fail to use their abilities and skills properly unless they are working with someone who assumes much of the responsibility.

Does everything possible to gain care and support from others.


A person with dependent personality disorder does everything possible to gain care and support from others, even volunteering for unpleasant tasks or buying expensive gifts as though they were buying people’s affection. At the beginning of the relationship, the other person enjoys this attention. Once they feel suffocated by this love, however, they begin to withdraw. The person with the disorder then starts listing the many valuable things they have done and saying that others always betray them despite their intense loyalty and devotion, without realizing that they are actually suffocating the other person rather than loving them.

Feels distressed or helpless when alone.


The person feels distressed or helpless when alone because of an intense fear that they will be unable to care for themselves. They therefore continually seek relationships or enter unsuitable relationships that ultimately end in failure.

Seeks a new relationship quickly for support and care.


When an intimate relationship ends, the person urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support. Because the new relationship was entered into hastily, it often fails as well.

Becomes preoccupied, to an unrealistic degree, with fears of having to care for themselves.


 

How is dependent personality disorder treated?

A person with dependent personality disorder often experiences anxiety and

depression

and panic

attacks, so medication is appropriate for treating these accompanying disorders. Dependent personality disorder itself, however, requires psychotherapy aimed at discussing the person’s strengths and helping them recognize those strengths so they can use them to meet their own needs. This can help a dependent and overly reliant person become more active and independent and learn from the successful, independent people around them.


A person with dependent personality disorder often relies on stirring the emotions of those around them to meet their needs, sometimes to the point of emotionally draining them. If you truly want to help, you need to explain clearly, without allowing emotions to cloud the matter, where the limits of your help lie. Make clear that your help will be restricted to a particular area and cannot reasonably cover every aspect of their life. It is important to help them understand the value of becoming independent and, preferably, to help them acquire the skills and knowledge that will enable them to do so.