How to Respond to Violence Between Children

A child's right to feel safe and remain free from violence is one of the fundamental rights guaranteed by international conventions, because violence can have long-term psychological, emotional, and behavioral effects.

Violence between children includes every form of physical and verbal abuse committed by children against one another. A child mirrors the society in which they were raised. When a child lives in an environment where violence is part of the culture, we will inevitably have a child who uses violence as a way to express themselves.

The effects of violence between children are not limited to the children themselves but extend to society as a whole. Violence can have serious psychological effects that hinder their development. When it becomes a social phenomenon, it leads, in one way or another, to lower self-esteem and weakened self-confidence among children, who will one day become the young people expected to serve as the foundation of society.

1. Ask the child questions: “How do you think we should solve the problem? What could you do to avoid being hit again?” The child then begins offering ideas as possible solutions: “I could write them a letter,” “I could go to the principal and report what happened,” or “I could try shouting as loudly as possible so they move away from me.”

The mother then helps the child try the ideas they suggested, asking each time, “How did that solution work?” If it did not work, she reminds the child of the second solution they proposed. The important thing here is this: please, mother, step back. Your role is to follow up and observe while the child tries and experiments. Learning through trial and experimentation is extremely important for a child.

2. Do not provide a solution, so your child does not feel helpless. Every child has their own way of defending themselves. Some children hit, shout, or ignore the situation, while others have a strong capacity to contain it and make concessions, which is also a form of defense. If you prescribe a particular defense strategy for your child, they will remain confined to it. They will not try to find the method that suits them and makes them feel comfortable while defending themselves. They will also feel uneasy because their way of defending themselves does not match your solutions and instructions.

This is what leads a mother to say, “I told you to hit them,” or “I told you to ignore them.” The child feels helpless on the one hand and is unable to devise ways to defend themselves on the other.

3. Imagination and role-play: In cognitive behavioral therapy, we use imagination to solve certain problems. A mother might ask her child, “If you faced a bullying situation, how could you respond?” This stimulates the child's imagination to picture confronting the situation, which helps them manage it if it occurs in real life. The same applies to role-play. The mother and child might act out the roles of a student who hits others and the child being assaulted, practising how to respond to the assault. With continued practice, she can reduce the child's fear and anxiety about what they are experiencing.

If we have a violent child, that is our responsibility as parents. Our children are the product of the environment we provide for them. We must therefore treat parenting as a responsibility with a long-term impact, think about it collectively, and recognize that its effects are not limited to us but extend to society as a whole.

Allow your children to be happy in their own way, or in any way they find suitable, provided that it is considerate of those around them. Be teachers to your children. Parenting is a wonderful role, even if it is frightening at the same time!

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