Co-Parenting After Divorce: 14 Tips

Sadly, intense love often does not guarantee that a relationship will last. It may end at any time, leaving phrases such as “together until death do us part” past their expiration date.

Over time, once-compatible spouses may become bitter enemies inside and outside the courtroom, then go through a painful divorce marked by deep sorrow, grief, and abusive or manipulative behavior by a partner. This makes it difficult to formulate an approach for “creating” a possible friendship after divorce.

Here is an uncomfortable truth: the partner from whom you separated will remain in your life for a long time, particularly when you have children together. This means retaining some shared interests, concerns, and aspirations and moving beyond a self-centered relationship limited to “me” toward a cooperative relationship that helps prevent psychological and emotional harm from reaching the children.

14 tips for successful co-parenting after divorce

Try to move beyond the place where you feel stuck:

Cut the ties of sadness, grief, and anger. Yes, this is easier said than done when separation happens to us. No matter how much you wanted the divorce, there will certainly be a sense of loss and pain within you. Some people move past it lightly and easily, while others remain stuck for years before their feelings gradually begin to heal. In fact, this depends on many factors, including surrounding yourself with supportive relationships and seeking help from a family specialist who can help you move through the experience with as little harm and loss as possible.

You did everything you could:

Be fully assured that you did everything you could to make the relationship succeed. You were patient, worked hard, tried, and persevered. No one wants to reach the point of separating from a partner, but when the losses equal the benefits and life after marriage becomes worse than it was before, separation becomes the safer and more peaceful step.

Set boundaries:

Establish clear and explicit “divorce commitments” in which both parties pledge to respect each other's wishes, ideas, and feelings, act in good faith, and refrain from any abuse that could harm the children's interests. This commitment makes communication more positive and open and can reduce problems or disputes that may arise later.

Redefine the relationship:

Try to view the relationship differently. After the separation, your former partner is neither your enemy nor your rival; they are simply your co-parent, working with you for your children.

Several things can help you reshape your view of the relationship, including improving communication skills with your former partner, keeping your promises, telling the truth, avoiding overreactions, acknowledging your mistakes, and setting personal considerations aside.

Invest your energy elsewhere:

Immerse yourself in daily activities that can change your lifestyle. This can rescue you from the negative feelings associated with separation and is a step toward rediscovering life with a different heart and mind. You can also invest your energy in building relationships and friendships that nourish your enthusiasm for life and shorten the path to healing.

Be prepared and speak truthfully:

Bring your children together and, with your partner, tell them about the decision to separate. Much can be said about how to share this news, but the important thing is to give them room to express their feelings, reassure them, and calm their fears. Explain that separation does not mean losing contact with either parent or never sharing a family meal or activities. Do not manipulate the facts, present them with a false picture of the life ahead, or promise what cannot be delivered.

Separated spouses and shared parenting:

Remember that your former partner is one of your child's parents. When you decide to enter the world of parenting, you put yourself second and place your child's interests ahead of your own. A future alliance with your former partner must become possible and acceptable. As Anaïs Nin said, “Marriage is familial, but divorce is personal.”

Do not push hot buttons:

Control your emotions and try to follow the path of tolerance and forgiveness. This person no longer controls your life.

I know this seems daunting and difficult, but trust me: it will help you heal more quickly and move through your life with greater freedom.

Always remember that no one wins in a divorce; both parties lose. Hannah More said, “Forgiveness is the economy of the heart: it saves you the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, and the waste of spirit.”

Let reason prevail over emotion:

Create productive co-parenting and shape a picture of the new family after separation by setting boundaries for the relationship and arranging visits, housing, and financial support. Let effective parenting move to the forefront. This certainly does not mean erasing your feelings, but you do not have to let them lead and control you. Set them aside.

Do not worry; your children are all right:

What children need is a home free from daily arguments and verbal, physical, and psychological hostility. A calm, harmonious home with separated parents is psychologically and emotionally healthier than a home in which two parents are forced to remain together. Psychoanalyst and family medicine specialist Petrik Weibach believes that separation can, in some cases, provide a way to create a better life for children. She says, “Constant conflict between a mother and father poisons the atmosphere at home, leaving them preoccupied with their struggle and forgetting the children. When parents argue almost constantly, separation can then calm the intensity of life.”

Be friendly and polite:

Speak positively about your former partner in front of your children. Avoid blame, criticism, and comparison. Be polite and friendly when mentioning them. Do not tarnish their image or portray them as a monster who destroyed the marital home. For your children's sake, refine the way you speak and focus on your former partner's positive qualities and virtues. This can make your separation healthier.

Do not make your child choose:

Please do not make your child a party to a battle over loyalties by asking them to sympathize with you, favor you, or take your side against your former partner. Do not involve them in such conflicts or make them choose between you, so that they do not become a scapegoat.

Teach your child that no one can live without a family, and that trying to spread love between their parents is an act of courage that helps reduce the noise of their relationship.

A harmful secret:

Do not teach your child to keep secrets from your former partner. This may encourage your child to lie, undermine their trust in you, and give them the impression that neither parent is a source of safety. Avoid doing or saying anything that makes your child feel compelled to cover up your behavior. Teach your child to be open and honest so they do not keep secrets from you either. Likewise, do not pressure your child to tell you everything about your former partner.

Supportive experiences:

Get to know people who have been through separation. Listen to them, share your feelings and thoughts with them, and choose what may help you overcome the ordeal of separation.

Do not begin new romantic relationships:

Slow down, take your time, and do not rush into a new romantic relationship or commitment. Avoid trying to take revenge on your former partner in this way. Give yourself time to heal from the previous relationship, and choose your next partner carefully and with full awareness.

Download the Tatmeen app for online psychological and family counseling from the Apple App Store or Google Play. You can also register on the Tatmeen mental health website to access valuable information and practical tools for supporting your mental health.