Self-Compassion: Empathizing with Our Inner Critic

We know how hurtful it is to address ourselves with statements such as: “I am stupid!” “I am disgusting.” “No one will ever love me.” “What a fool I am.”

Why do we do this, then? As soon as we ask ourselves this question, we usually intensify our self-criticism. “I am a bad person, even toward myself.” “That is why I am simply a failure; I am always contemptuous of myself.”

Do not beat yourself up for beating yourself up in the false hope that this might somehow help you stop beating yourself up. Instead, take a step back and give your inner critic a break. Your inner critic is actually trying to keep you safe, in its own ineffective and counterproductive way.

As human beings, we have two main safety systems that evolved gradually. The older, fast-responding system is the threat-and-defense system, which includes the amygdala (Amygdala). When we feel threatened, our response is usually to fight, flee, remain still (freeze), or submit (also known as the fight-or-flight theory—fight-or-flight response): we either turn and fight the threat, run away from it at lightning speed, pretend to be dead in the hope that it will leave, or expose our bellies and hope to appease it.

These strategies are highly successful for animals living in the wild, helping them survive and pass their genes on. For humans, however, these responses often make the situation worse. This is because the threat we usually face is a threat to our self-concept. We do not distinguish between our thoughts and representations of ourselves and our actual selves. This means that when our self-image is under siege, we act as though our very existence is in danger. When this happens, our threat-and-defense system uses the same strategies to stay safe:

Fight — we beat ourselves up emotionally, using harsh language to tear ourselves down.

Flight — we become anxious and uncomfortable, escaping from ourselves by numbing our feelings or using distractions such as food or alcohol.

Immobility (freeze) — we become trapped in rumination, thinking about our flaws again and again.

Submission — we admit that we are bad and accept all the harsh criticism we direct at ourselves.

We often become caught in a mixture of all these strategies. Our stress level rises as the amygdala activates the sympathetic nervous system (sympathetic nervous system) (which arouses us so we can deal with danger) and floods our system with adrenaline and cortisol. This is a double-edged sword because, whenever we criticize ourselves, we become both the attacker and the person being attacked. This type of repeated stress can lead to anxiety and depression and weaken our physical and mental health.

Nevertheless, it is important to remember that when our self-criticism attacks us, it is fundamentally trying to protect us from danger. Marshal Rosenberg, author of Non-Violent Communication, says that self-criticism is “a tragic expression of an unmet need.” It is tragic because self-criticism makes us feel terrible and does not motivate us to make effective changes. But if we look closely, our inner critic cares about us.

There is some need for safety that self-criticism is trying to meet. Our inner critic wants us to be happy, but it does not know a better way to pursue that. Suppose you criticize yourself for not going to the gym and call yourself “lazy.” At some level, your inner critic is acting out of concern for you: if you do not go to the gym, you will not be healthy, or other people may reject you. We can be kind and compassionate toward this part of ourselves because, at some level, it only wants what is best for us. Believe it or not, by showing compassion to our inner critic, we move from the threat-and-defense system to our other safety system.

Like other mammals, we also developed an attachment/affiliation system as a survival strategy. Mammals have an innate ability to calm down through warmth and kindness, which makes it more likely that our young will remain close to their caregivers, receive protection, and survive. The caregiving system deactivates the sympathetic nervous system, lowering cortisol levels, and activates the parasympathetic nervous systemParasympathetic nervous system, which calms us.

This route to emotional safety is more effective: it lowers our stress and anxiety instead of aggravating them. It also gives us the emotional balance needed to make wise decisions, including behavioral changes when necessary.

The next time you find yourself targeted by harsh self-criticism, instead of beating yourself up for beating yourself up, thank your inner critic for its efforts. Then try the strategy of offering yourself some compassion instead. It will be more effective and far less painful!

Author: Dr. Kristin Neff

Image: Geralt