My wife was upset by my behavior. “All you do after coming home from work and eating dinner is sit on the couch. Why don't we talk to each other, take a short walk, or do both?”

Couples are always complaining and grumbling about one another. Unfortunately, instead of expressing their complaints, they resort to criticizing each other. Misplaced, inaccurate criticism leads to contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls these the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (the four horsemen mentioned in the Book of Revelation who bring destruction to the world), and when couples fall prey to the Four Horsemen, it can lead to divorce.

My wife's criticism makes me defensive. We were approaching our third wedding anniversary and had still not learned how to voice our complaints about each other.

“I'm tired,” I reply. As an addiction counselor, I spend my day listening to patients. “Why won't you let me relax?”

My wife kept pressing me until I lost my temper. “Leave me alone!”

Before we knew it, the Four Horsemen had emerged from hiding and begun wreaking havoc on our marriage. My wife and I agreed to seek couples counseling from a psychologist. The psychologist taught us how to express our complaints more effectively and listen to them in a way that allowed us to hear each other without becoming defensive.

The Complaint Formula

Dr. John Gottman refined the skill of effective complaining into a simple three-step formula. I wish we had discovered and mastered this formula before seeking counseling. With a little practice and persistence, following it can help couples discuss their problems without hurting each other.

1. Express how you feel

An effective complaint begins gently, preferably by describing how you feel. A feeling may be an emotion, such as anger or fear, or a physical state, such as fatigue or pain.

A gentle opening is the opposite of the harsh opening that usually accompanies criticism and often begins with “You always” or “You never.”

2. Talk about a specific situation

After identifying how you feel, describe the situation or behavior that caused that feeling. Many of the complaints spouses have about each other cannot be eliminated. If that is the bad news, the good news is that these complaints do not have to bring the relationship to a painful end. As long as couples avoid turning their complaints into criticism, complaints will be less troubling than the destructive force of criticism.

3. Express your need positively

Finally, ask your spouse to take a positive step to resolve the complaint.

Using this formula does not guarantee that complaints will be resolved. It gives couples a way to express their complaints without risking having their requests brushed aside by a spouse who feels the need to defend against criticism.

Applying the Formula

Let us apply this formula to the problem my wife raised and to my response, and see how the discussion could end differently.

My wife: I feel sad (identifying how I feel) because we have no time to talk to each other after dinner (about a specific situation). Could we take a walk and talk for half an hour (expressing her request positively)?

Me: I feel tired (how I feel) after listening to patients at work all day (about a specific situation). Please let me rest for a while (expressing a need positively).

My wife: I'm afraid (how I feel) that you will fall asleep and not wake up until it is too late to go out (about a specific situation). I want you to rest. I would prefer you to rest for an hour and then walk with me. I would like to wake you if you fall asleep (expressing a need positively).

Me: That sounds good. Let's do it.

Although a solution is not guaranteed, effective complaining allows couples to enter into a disagreement and reach solutions that criticism puts out of reach. When solutions remain out of reach, this need not end the relationship or drain it of happiness.

The Secret Ingredient

Many couples have built strong relationships despite long-standing, unresolved disagreements. Many of them have learned to take these disagreements in stride by complaining instead of criticizing. But they also have a powerful secret ingredient: they use “repair attempts” to ease the pressure that builds while discussing these issues. This keeps the problems from overwhelming their relationship.

One continuing disagreement in my marriage has been my wife's tendency to get rid of things we have not used for a while. I tend to save things. After all, you never know when you might need something.

At least once a year, my wife decides to get rid of clothes we no longer wear. I would never do that. She takes clothes from my side of the wardrobe that she thinks I no longer need and places them on my side of the bed, saying, “Go through these clothes and decide which ones you no longer need. We are going to get rid of the things you no longer use.”

I used to become angry in this situation. Now I laugh. Her behavior has become predictable to me, and mine has become predictable to her. She laughs at me as I sort through the pile, choose one shirt to discard, and return the remaining clothes to the wardrobe.

Couples who are satisfied with their relationships have no shortage of things to complain about. They have learned how to complain without criticizing, take a broader view of their problems, and use humor to break the tension that could lead to a crisis. If this does not describe your relationship, try using Dr. Gottman's complaint formula, add a dose of humor, and see where it leads.

The article was originally published on the Gottman Relationship Blog

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