What does pathological or anxious attachment—preoccupied attachment—mean? It is when a person feels excessively attached to the important people in their life or to a romantic partner, creating an intense desire to be close to the loved one, whether that is the mother during childhood or a spouse in adulthood. If they sense emotional distance from the other person, they experience anxiety and tension that lead them to criticize the other person harshly for being uninterested, indifferent, absent, and so on. These criticisms may cause the other person to actually withdraw, especially if their attachment pattern is avoidant.

Types of attachment:

  1. Secure attachmentIt is the love that everyone hopes to have.
  2. Avoidant attachmentIn which a person fears and avoids love.
  3. Pathological attachmentOr suffocating love, involving suspicion, checking up on the loved one, anxiety about losing them, and constantly asking whether they love you.

Symptoms of pathological attachment

  1. Distrusting the other person: This includes distrusting how responsive the other person will be to them and their wishes, leading them to constantly question the other person's intentions even when that person wants to help.
  2. Becoming distressed when they sense the other person's emotional distance:They become distressed by the other person's withdrawal or lack of interest, and the situation may escalate to insults, verbal abuse, and even hitting.
  3. Often feeling dissatisfied with their emotional relationships:This may involve their life partner, parents, or children. They therefore often complain about them and say that they do not enjoy being with these important people.
  4. Not believing that they deserve love:Deep down, they feel unworthy and undeserving of love, so they doubt that another person truly loves them.

Causes of pathological attachment:

People often ask about the causes of pathological attachment, which can be summarized in two factors:

  1. How the mother treats the child:I mention the mother because attachment initially forms with one of the parents caring for the child, and the mother is usually the one who provides this care. A person's type of attachment to a romantic partner repeats the attachment formed with the mother early in life. If the person's relationship with their mother was secure, they form a secure relationship with their partner. If it was insecure, they form an anxious or avoidant relationship with their partner.
  2. The child's innate temperament and disposition:Some children are naturally sociable and cheerful and smile as soon as someone looks at them. Naturally, this child will receive more attention and affection than a constantly frowning, difficult child who does not let others approach, or a shy child who receives little praise or positive feedback because they do not do anything in front of others that might earn encouragement. The child's personality may play a greater role in forming their attachment pattern than the mother does. Of course, neither the child nor the mother is to blame, because she cannot force the child to smile or relax in her arms if the child refuses. There is a recurring cycle between our behavior and other people's reactions that begins in childhood and continues until death.

How can I overcome pathological attachment?

  1. Acknowledging that one has a problem and experiences anxiety.
  2. Reducing the focus on the partner's behavior:Do not constantly ask for reassurance. Reassurance-seeking behaviors among people with any form of anxiety or obsessive thoughts will lead to greater anxiety and obsession.
  3. Focusing on things that strengthen a person's self-confidence,so they do not constantly feel that others will leave them.
  4. If the person cannot overcome the anxiety, they should consult a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

In fact, attachment is another term for love; it is clearer and more specific but does not encompass every form of love. What people imagine love to be—a beautiful, everlasting relationship, and so on—falls under secure rather than pathological attachment. It is important to recognize whether our partner's attachment to us, or our attachment to them, is secure or pathological.Attachment is secure when the partner does the following:

  1. They speak honestly about their negative and positive feelings without fear or agitation.
  2. They are not afraid to talk about their mistakes and failures.
  3. They can resolve disagreements through dialogue and discussion without turning the conversation into accusations against themselves or others or withdrawing from it out of avoidance or fear of expressing negative feelings.
  4. In secure attachment, the person to whom we are attached is a safe haven to whom we can return in times of crisis.
  5. In secure attachment, a person is not afraid to ask the other person for help, unlike avoidant attachment, in which they are often afraid to seek help.
  6. The cornerstone of secure attachment is feeling that the other person is emotionally present when we need them and responds to us when we need their support.


Download the Tatmeen app for online psychological and family consultations from the App Store or Google Play. You can also register on the Tatmeen mental health website to receive valuable information and practical tools to strengthen your mental well-being.