Jealousy: I Feel Jealous—How Can I Help Myself?

Have you ever felt suffocated by jealousy when your husband stopped to speak with his attractive colleague at work? What about when your wife talked with one of her relatives during Eid and they spent a long time asking about each other? Or perhaps you noticed the bond between your close friend and another woman growing stronger, and found yourself tracking their conversations and outings together without you?

These are intense feelings that deserve to be viewed from a psychological perspective as we try to understand their true nature. Perhaps then we can lessen their negative effect on the person experiencing them and keep the relationship free from this widespread trait, despite how distressing and harmful it can be in marital or social relationships.

Jealousy can be defined as a complex set of thoughts, behaviors, and feelings that arise in response to a real or imagined threat to our relationship with someone we love. These feelings combine anger, sadness, resentment, and helplessness. Jealousy differs from envying another person for their money, beauty, prestigious status, ideal job, or other things people seek, because jealousy requires the presence of a third party. It also differs from benign envy, which means longing to obtain these advantages without wishing for their owner to lose them.

How does jealousy develop?

Jealousy grows out of longstanding feelings of insecurity, along with possessiveness. Jealous people usually have little confidence in themselves and believe that they are not enough. They may think their partner is somehow better than they are and therefore deserves a better partner. They believe it is only a matter of time before their partner leaves the relationship and becomes involved with someone “better.” Some believe that a partner’s new relationship may reduce the quality of their own relationship and deprive them of its benefits, leading them to feel jealous as a way of defending the relationship.

The worst thing about jealousy is that it traps you in a closed loop. When the thought that your partner cares about a third party occupies your mind, you begin using every detail as evidence that your belief is correct, no matter how weak that evidence may be. This leads you to behave unconsciously toward your partner through angry, emotional actions marked by accusations and intended to make them feel guilty. All of this leaves your partner resentful and more guarded, and may drive them to truly distance themselves from you and escape the accusations. Staying would burden them with the guilt, aggression, and tension created by jealousy. Your partner’s behavior then presents you with seemingly clear evidence that they are dissatisfied with your relationship and intend to leave it. This strengthens your feelings and intensifies your accusatory behavior, trapping you ever more deeply in the vicious cycle of jealousy.

Types of jealousy and mental illness

In many cases, jealousy is not pathological. It is part of the range of emotions people experience in relationships. Obsessive jealousy and delusional jealousy, however, are two distinct forms of pathological jealousy.

Delusional jealousy

Delusional jealousy—also known as Othello syndrome, after Shakespeare’s famous play—involves strong, false beliefs that a partner is unfaithful. This leads to repeated accusations, a constant search for evidence of betrayal, ongoing interrogation, and stalking.

Delusional jealousy is treated with antipsychotic medication because it is considered a psychotic disorder. Medication alone is not enough; considerable talk therapy is also needed to help the affected person develop insight and become more psychologically resilient against these symptoms.

Obsessive jealousy

Obsessive jealousy involves painful, irrational, repetitive thoughts about a partner’s infidelity. These are accompanied by compulsive checking of the partner’s behavior, despite recognizing that there is no evidence of unfaithfulness. This form of jealousy resembles obsessive-compulsive behavior and is therefore treated with serotonin reuptake inhibitors in addition to cognitive behavioral therapy.

The danger of both types of jealousy lies in their harmful effects on a marital relationship. They may also intensify to the point of causing homicide or suicide. Studies indicate no difference between the sexes in the intensity of the tendency toward jealousy, while other studies suggest that jealousy was a stronger motive for homicide among men, perhaps because men are more inclined toward violence.

Jealousy and mental health

Jealousy is sometimes associated with certain mental health problems, including schizophrenia, in which delusions and hallucinations are key symptoms; psychotic illnesses that affect perception, beliefs, and emotions; anxiety, which involves magnifying fears and low self-confidence; and borderline personality disorder, of which fear of abandonment is a key feature.

How can I deal with jealousy?

I feel jealous. How can I help myself? How can I break out of this vicious cycle?

• Develop yourself and work on your weaknesses. Do not make your relationship with your partner a way to compensate for low self-confidence or to fill a sense of inadequacy that you carry unconsciously. Instead, develop yourself and work on your weaknesses so that you are less affected by other people’s behavior.
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• Stop comparing yourself with others. Relationships are not a space for competition. Just as you have your own combination of strengths and shortcomings, so does everyone else, whether they show these qualities to you or not.
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• Stop checking up on your partner, such as searching your wife’s phone, following the comments your husband’s friends leave on Facebook, or tracking your closest friend on WhatsApp and trying to determine whether they are busy with someone else. Understand that none of these behaviors will guarantee your partner’s faithfulness, and stopping them will not drive your partner to be unfaithful.
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• Identify the situations surrounding the onset of your jealousy. Is it social occasions, your partner’s absence or preoccupation, or having a bad day? When you do this, you will become more aware of yourself and the results of your reactions, helping you avoid falling into the trap of situations that trigger jealousy.
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• Communicate with your partner. If you feel jealous, talk to your partner about your feelings, but take care—the way you speak can greatly change the course of the conversation. If your words are filled with anger and accusations toward your partner, things will get worse. Be direct about your thoughts, but not in a hostile way. Explain your feelings calmly and ask your partner to work with you to find a solution to the problem. This will prevent your partner from withdrawing, make them more accepting of your feelings, and lead to a more positive discussion.
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• Look more deeply at the thoughts that generate your jealousy. Try to explore the automatic thoughts and unconscious conclusions running through your mind, such as “I do not deserve love” and “Everyone is better than me.” Once you identify these thoughts, you will be better able to change them and, consequently, the feelings and behaviors they produce.
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• Redefine your relationship with the other person on your mental map. That person is not your property, and you cannot treat them as though they were one of your possessions. They are a free person who chose to be with you because they wanted to. Your jealous behavior will not prevent them from becoming involved with someone else.
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• Look at the situation through your partner’s eyes. You will then realize that it is neither possible nor reasonable to give up every work or study commitment, family relationship, friendship, hobby, or even time spent alone in order to devote all your time to your partner. Maintaining a healthy amount of space between you and your partner will give both of you the balance needed to fulfill your responsibilities satisfactorily. If you master this skill, you will not fall victim to frustration after expecting your partner to be available to you all the time.
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• The main factor in reducing jealousy is breaking the cycle described earlier. Identify your own cycle and interrupt its sequence so you can rein in your negative thoughts and feelings, preventing your relationship from falling prey to harmful behavior caused by jealousy.

Are you in a relationship with someone who struggles with jealousy?

Because jealousy and its harmful effects do not stop with the person experiencing them but extend to the other person in the relationship, here are some tips if you are in a relationship with someone who struggles with jealousy:

• Recognize that this jealousy is not about you but about your partner. This will help you respond more wisely and prevent anger from taking control of you.
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• Respond to jealous behavior by reassuring your partner of their place in your life. Talk to them about their strengths and attractiveness, and about your memories together. These actions will undoubtedly extinguish the fire of jealousy. You can ask which behaviors help your partner feel reassured and use them when needed. But be careful not to become a victim of emotional blackmail, with your partner contriving situations that justify their jealousy in order to obtain reassurance from you. Do not make your actions dependent on your partner’s emotions; offer reassurance out of gratitude for the relationship and a desire to preserve it when you believe it is appropriate.
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• Avoid phrases that accuse or pass judgment on your partner. For example, instead of saying, “You are a jealous person. You need to overcome your insecurity in this relationship!” you could say, “I understand that my friendship with this person worries you, but give me the chance to explain why you do not need to be concerned.”
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• Even when your partner’s jealous behavior upsets you, do not threaten to end the relationship. Do not say, “If this craziness continues, I will leave forever!” This will not reduce your partner’s jealousy. On the contrary, it will cause panic.
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• You can simply make sure that this article finds its way into the hands of your partner who struggles with jealousy.

Finally, we would like to point out that feelings of jealousy are difficult to disclose because they do not receive the sympathy or acceptance given to other painful emotions such as sadness and fear. If the previous guidance is not enough to help you both overcome these difficult feelings, do not hesitate to consult professionals who can help you understand and manage them.

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