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How can I help my child understand and express their feelings?

Alanoud AlturkiMedical review: Tatmeen team8 min read
طفل جالس بجانب امرأة تضع يدها على كتفه، وخلفه غيوم ملونة بوجوه غاضبة وحزينة وقلقة.
Article contents
  1. Where do I start in a difficult moment?
  2. What if they say, “I don't want to talk”?
  3. Small skills to practise on ordinary days
  4. When is listening not enough?
  5. Frequently Asked Questions
  6. Sources and references
  7. Writer and reviewer

When your child cries or goes quiet after an upsetting moment, you may wonder whether to ask a question, offer comfort or give them a little space. Start with what you notice: “You seem upset. Would you like to sit with me?” If you suggest a feeling, leave room for a correction: “Are you sad, or is it something else?” Listen before offering a solution. These conversations help your child notice their feelings and find words or another way to ask for what they need.

Sadness, fear and anger can be uncomfortable, but they are not mistakes to punish. Accepting anger does not mean allowing hitting, and accepting fear does not replace checking whether a child is being harmed. The American Academy of Pediatrics1 recommends noticing and naming a child's feelings, acknowledging their experience and attending to their needs.

Where do I start in a difficult moment?

Imagine that your child's block tower falls down. They cry and refuse to try again. The problem may seem small to you, but they worked hard and the result was not what they wanted. Instead of “That isn't worth crying over,” try: “You wanted the tower to stay up. You seem frustrated. Have I understood?”

They do not have to agree with your label. They may correct you with “I'm angry!” or give no answer. Accept the correction rather than turning the moment into a vocabulary lesson. If they are very upset, sit nearby, speak calmly and keep your words brief. You can offer a hug, but respect a refusal; some children prefer your company without touch. CDC communication guidance2 emphasizes giving your full attention and listening, while checking that physical touch is comfortable and welcome.

Once your child is calm enough to communicate, ask: “Would you like me to try with you, or shall we leave it and come back later?” They may choose to try or need longer. Stay nearby. For now, it helps to have their disappointment heard and to know they can ask for your support.

Adapt these phrases to the situation and your child's age:

What you want to communicate A phrase to try
I notice you without judging “You've been quiet since we got back. Would you like to sit with me?”
You can correct my understanding “Did you feel disappointed, or have I misunderstood?”
You do not have to talk now “We can talk later. I'm here if you need me.”
Feelings are allowed; harm has a boundary “I understand you're angry. Hitting isn't allowed. We're moving apart now.”
I can help without deciding everything for you “Would you like me just to listen, or shall we think about a next step together?”

What if they say, “I don't want to talk”?

Respect this in everyday situations and keep the door open. Drawing, playing or walking together may be easier than sitting down to talk. Enjoy the activity as you usually would and let your child choose what to say. Show interest in a drawing without looking for a hidden meaning in every color. Drawing and play can offer ways to express feelings, but they cannot by themselves diagnose a problem or prove what happened.

If your child seems ready, try an open question: “Is there anything you'd like me to know?” If they do not answer, continue your usual connection and try again at a better time. NHS guidance on talking about feelings3 notes that children may express themselves through play, need time before talking, or find it helpful to speak with another trusted person. If they prefer another safe adult, help them reach that person.

Respecting a refusal to talk does not mean ignoring danger. If you have information about harm or threats, take steps to protect your child and seek appropriate help, even without every detail. If they tell you they have been harmed, take them seriously, listen without blame or repeated questioning, and do not promise secrecy that would prevent you from protecting them.

If you suspect abuse or your child tells you about abuse, report it in Saudi Arabia to the Family Protection Reporting Center on 19196. It is free, operates around the clock and covers children under 18 inside and outside the family. Do not wait for the full account before seeking protection.

Small skills to practise on ordinary days

Bring feelings into everyday conversation: “I felt happy when we finished that task,” or “I'm feeling tense, so I'm going to take a short break.” In a story you read together, ask: “What might this person be feeling? What gives us that idea?” There is no single answer for your child to memorize. The point is to practise noticing their own experience and other people's.

With a younger child, use a few words, pictures or a gesture if these are easier. An older child may be able to describe mixed feelings: being pleased for a friend's success and sad that they did not succeed this time. Children's ways of communicating vary. Their ability to explain themselves while crying is not the measure of those skills.

To practise asking for what they need, return to the block tower at a calm time: “If building is difficult again, how could you ask me for help?” They might choose “Help me,” or a gesture asking you to sit beside them. Try it once during play: they ask, and you respond. In another situation, help them find a request that fits, such as “I'd like a little rest” or “I want you to listen.” Keep accepting their way of communicating. They do not need a complete sentence or an exact feeling label before you respond to their need.

Understanding other people's feelings does not make your child responsible for keeping them happy. You might say: “Your sister is sad that you don't want to play right now, and you're allowed to rest. You can tell her kindly.” If you make a mistake and raise your voice, repair it clearly: “I raised my voice, and that wasn't appropriate. I'll try to speak calmly.” Do not ask your child to calm you down or take away your responsibility.

When is listening not enough?

If a school-age child is upset because classmates are hurting them, the next step is not teaching them to tolerate the harm. Listen, contact the appropriate person at school and follow up on what changes. An angry or withdrawn child may need help with learning difficulties, relationships or daily pressures, as well as language for feelings.

Ask your child's doctor or a mental-health professional experienced in working with children for an assessment when distress continues, disrupts sleep, school, play or relationships, or is becoming increasingly concerning. Do not wait for a fixed period if the impact is severe. According to the National Institute of Mental Health4, seek immediate help if a child's behavior is unsafe or they tell you they are thinking about hurting themselves or someone else. For a medical emergency, call 997 for an ambulance in Saudi Arabia, or go to the nearest emergency department if you can travel safely.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I teach my child to express their feelings?

Start with what you notice, without judging: “You seem upset. Would you like to sit with me?” If you suggest a feeling, leave room for a correction, and listen before offering a solution. On ordinary days, bring your own feelings into everyday conversation and ask what a person in a story might be feeling. These conversations help your child notice their feelings and find words or another way to ask for what they need.

What should I say when my child is angry or crying?

Accept the feeling while stopping any harm. Sadness, fear and anger are not mistakes to punish, so instead of “That isn't worth crying over,” describe what you notice and check whether you have understood. With anger, you might say: “I understand you're angry. Hitting isn't allowed. We're moving apart now.” If your child is very upset, sit nearby, speak calmly and keep your words brief. You can offer a hug, but respect a refusal.

What if my child doesn't want to talk about their feelings?

Respect this in everyday situations and keep the door open. Drawing, playing or walking together may be easier than sitting down to talk. If your child seems ready, try an open question: “Is there anything you'd like me to know?” If they prefer another safe adult, help them reach that person. Respecting a refusal to talk does not mean ignoring danger: if you have information about harm or threats, take steps to protect your child and seek appropriate help, even without every detail.

What should I do if my child tells me they have been abused?

Take them seriously, listen without blame or repeated questioning, and do not promise secrecy that would prevent you from protecting them. In Saudi Arabia, report suspected abuse to the Family Protection Reporting Center on 1919. It is free, operates around the clock and covers children under 18 inside and outside the family. Do not wait for the full account before seeking protection.

When should my child see a mental-health professional?

Ask your child's doctor or a mental-health professional experienced in working with children for an assessment when distress continues, disrupts sleep, school, play or relationships, or is becoming increasingly concerning. Do not wait for a fixed period if the impact is severe. Seek immediate help if your child's behavior is unsafe or they tell you they are thinking about hurting themselves or someone else. For a medical emergency in Saudi Arabia, call 997 for an ambulance, or go to the nearest emergency department if you can travel safely.

Writing and article review

Alanoud AlturkiWritten byAlanoud Alturki

Content writer and researcher at Tatmeen, writing in Arabic and English on mental health and everyday life topics, including relationships, stress, work, habits, and family.

Tatmeen teamMedical reviewTatmeen team

Every Tatmeen article is reviewed by care providers licensed by the Saudi Commission for Health Specialties, so what you read is accurate and trustworthy.

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