A large proportion of children are unable to calm themselves. When they become angry, they need an adult to help them. Some common mistakes by parents can prevent a child from developing the ability to self-soothe, including:

First: Parents become angry with the child when the child is angry and shout at them until they calm down.

Second: When a child hits a sibling or friend, the parents resort to hitting the child to teach them that this behavior is wrong.

Third: Giving in to every demand and wish that drives the child to cry and scream.

Fourth: Distracting the child by allowing them to play on a phone or watch television. Screens stimulate the brain, however, so when the child finishes using the screen, they will become more confused and exhausted. With less external stimulation, the child will return to their previous state of anger.

In contrast, there are preferred ways to manage and calm a child’s anger:

First: Put the child’s anger into words to help them identify what they are feeling, and teach them how to communicate that feeling to those around them through words rather than actions. Do this by describing what happened, for example: “I wanted to give you a piece of chocolate, but you had some chocolate a short while ago.”

Second: Try to connect with the child’s feelings: “I know you felt sad because I did not let you have the chocolate, right?”

Third: Connect with the child’s needs, because a negative feeling arises from a need that has not been adequately met. The parents’ role is to look for that need. For example: “The child wanted to eat the chocolate because they prefer to decide for themselves what they want to eat, and they became angry when their parent stopped them.”

Fourth: Explain why you did not allow it: “Because we love you and worry about you eating food full of sugar, we did not let you have the chocolate. If you eat unhealthy food, we will feel sad and upset because we did not take good care of you.”

Finally, ask the child—as a request, not an order—to postpone eating the chocolate until tomorrow and to choose something healthy and nutritious to eat today, such as fruit.

Register on the website of Tatmeen for valuable information and practical tools to support your mental health. Also read: Anger in Children: How Can It Be Managed and Controlled?