What Do Couples Disagree About?

Do you know Angelina Jolie?

That beautiful actress who adopts Asian children and married the most wonderful man in the world. They even had their own film, Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

I have never met Angelina Jolie. She looks like a contract killer with a secret identity.

But I know Christina.

Like Angelina, Christina is a wonderful, beautiful woman. She also married a wonderful man named Brad.

When they first met, Brad was different. Charming. Affectionate. But now there is a gap between them, and it keeps growing.

She is frustrated and lonely. He is resentful and devotes all his energy to his work.

Last night, they were trying to choose somewhere to have dinner. This is what happened:

Christina begins the conversation. “I’m hungry. Let’s go out for dinner.”

“Sounds good to me. What would you like to eat?” Brad asks.

“I don’t know. What about you?” Christina replies.

“I’d like pizza. Let’s go, then,” Brad replies, licking his lips.

“I don’t want pizza,” Christina grumbles.

“Okay, what do you want, then?” Brad asks again, this time in an irritated tone.

“I don’t know,” Christina says, a confused look appearing on her face.

“What about seafood?” Brad suggests, desperately trying to make a decision.

“No. That doesn’t sound good to me,” Christina replies.

“You always dismiss every idea I suggest.” Brad storms out of the room.

Christina begins to cry. She feels lonely again.

How could something so small turn into something so big? What are they really fighting about?

According to the “Einstein of love,” Dr.John Gottman, the only thing couples fight about isnothing.

Christina and Brad remind me of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. They love each other, but over time their emotional disconnection drives them apart. The next thing you know, they are shooting at each other and their love turns deadly.

Sometimes in relationships, it feels as though we are shooting at each other emotionally over the simplest things. The situation can explode over what we want to watch on Netflix, which restaurant we should visit for dinner, or which part of the house needs cleaning first.

Trivial disagreements can make or break trust

Couples rarely sit down together, set an agenda and discuss a specific subject such as finances. Sometimes they do, but they usually hurt each other’s feelings during what appear to be “trivial incidents” centered on nothing.

What matters is not the disagreement itself but how both partners respond to negative emotions in the relationship. If they view disagreement as an opportunity to develop and grow, they can turn toward one another, improve their understanding of each other, and deepen their trust in each other and in the relationship itself.

If the partners turn away from the negative emotions in these situations, they may eventually reconnect, but trust will have diminished slightly. Over time, small and trivial incidents accumulate until both partners feel hurt, sad and lonely.

Instead of reaching toward each other, you begin pointing fingers and sitting with your arms folded. Instead of talking through the night, you feel as though you are walking on eggshells. You become too afraid to discuss your feelings because you fear starting another fight.

Perhaps it has been so long since you connected that you feel like cellmates instead of soulmates. Am I right?

Why relationships fail

Negative events will always occur in relationships, but they are not what turns us into cellmates. Relationships fail when our “life story” becomes centered on the problems the partners create rather than the love they give.

Virtually every moment of your life is narrated by a voice in your mind. This voice will remind you how wonderful your partner is or how terrible they are for you. These stories are rehearsed continually in your mind. If your story is centered on negative things, you begin gradually distancing yourself, sometimes without realizing it.

It is like a pebble in your shoe. Over time, it becomes so irritating that you take off your shoe and throw the pebble as far away as possible. If the narrator in our mind continually tells us how bad our relationship makes us feel, we begin to see our partner as selfish. Our likelihood of becoming emotionally detached and being unfaithful increases over time.

The beautiful feeling of love we once had is replaced by loneliness, resentment and anger. Every small incident increases the likelihood of infidelity or ending the relationship.

There is a tipping point in our relationships when the negative story takes control and overshadows every positive story about our partner. Dr. Gottman calls this the “negative perspective.” Even if our partner does something kind for us, they remain a selfish person who happened to do something kind—someone we cannot trust.

Fights are inevitable in relationships

Events like Christina and Brad’s story are inevitable in relationships. According to Dr. Gottman, both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only part9%of the time, leaving part91%of the relationship fertile ground for miscommunication.

Although many of us see disagreement in a relationship as a sign of incompatibility, it should be viewed as a sign that change and growth are needed.

Feeling disconnected from your partner can be used to discover new possibilities for communication. Sexual coldness in a marriage can prompt you to take a deep look at your whole self. It can teach you how to embody your deepest desires, genuinely desire your partner, and experience meaningful intimacy.

Classic disagreements are simply a reminder that a relationship consists of two different people working together to understand their differences and love each other despite their shortcomings.

What makes love last?

When a disagreement occurs in a relationship, the partners must work together to understand each other well. The negative event is processed, and because the partners work together, they focus on the positive side of the relationship. Negative events are forgotten.

Trust is built when we are reminded that our partner is there to support us. They reach out to us or take our hand when we reach toward them. We realize that our needs matter to our partner. We forget the details of our pain, and the relationship’s negative events slip from our minds.

Now, when our partner is inconsiderate, emotionally distant or mean toward us, the story we tell ourselves is that they are “stressed or under pressure.” We trust them enough to repair the incident and reconnect. Laughter and affection fill our disagreements because we know the incident will be resolved and our relationship will become better because of it.

So when something negative happens in your relationship, do not be like Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Do not shoot each other in the heart over nothing more than a misunderstanding. Use the incident to build trust, deepen your relationship and make it the best loving relationship you have ever seen.

The article was first published in its original version on theGottman Relationship Blog