Many couples tell me how a small matter, a marital discussion, or a basic conversation between them can lead to a major disagreement, conflict, or ongoing marital problems. Marital challenges will certainly always be present in any romantic relationship, but the question remains: How do disagreements between spouses arise, and how can they work to resolve them?

To begin, focus on one issue that you want to resolve without becoming distracted by other matters. Listen to one another so that you understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Remember what matters, and do not attack each other’s character.

Four important tips that can help you communicate better during marital disagreements or discussions:

First, identify the subject you want to discuss:

Many couples begin with one subject and soon find themselves discussing other problems and issues between them, often matters that have remained unresolved for years. However, if something is bothering you and you want healthy communication and understanding between you, you should first identify the subject of the discussion. Choose one subject only and discuss it from beginning to end.

Second, listen to one another to bring your perspectives closer together:

One unhealthy pattern of conversation or discussion occurs when you listen to your partner but focus entirely on how you want to respond so that you can win the marital argument. Remember that there may be matters we have not understood sufficiently or correctly, or other things we have not noticed. Give the other person room to speak, listen to them, ask suitable questions for clarification, and then continue the conversation.

Third, remember that what matters is being one team:

You need to feel loved in your marriage, not merely to feel that you are being truthful. Ask yourselves what you will gain if you win the argument but, in fact, lose your partner’s love and respect.

Fourth, do not attack each other’s character:

“You have always been pathetic.” “You’ve been a mess ever since I met you.” “When have you ever managed to accomplish anything? Obviously, you’re lazy.” Do not insult one another. These hurtful statements can remain with your partner for a long time.

Ultimately, remember that your life partner is your choice, and that this choice should be founded on acceptance: accepting both their faults and their strengths. It is important for our relationship with our partner to be based on moving beyond pointless disagreements and focusing on every point of connection that makes a difference in the relationship. Your relationship with your partner should therefore always be based first on acceptance and second on respect.


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