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Am I hurting others? Reviewing behavior and repairing harm

Fahad AlmalikMedical review: Tatmeen team6 min read
امرأة وسط أشخاص يجلسون بوجوه متعبة، وتتداخل حولهم خيوط سوداء كثيفة.
Article contents
  1. Review an event, not your identity
  2. Acknowledge harm without asking to be comforted
  3. Specify the next behavior
  4. If fear or control is involved
  5. If you disagree with the accusation
  6. Frequently Asked Questions
  7. Sources and references
  8. Writer and reviewer

Being called “toxic” can send you into self-defense or a search for a checklist that tells you who you are. The label provides neither a diagnosis nor a specific change to make. Ask instead: What did I do? Has it happened repeatedly? What was its impact? How can I stop it and repair what is repairable?

Asking these questions does not prove that you cause no harm or have changed. Later actions are what can be observed.

Review an event, not your identity

If safe, ask for a specific example. Do not require someone to recount every painful event or prove an action you already know happened. If they do not want contact, start with your own review.

Behavior Question Observable change
Interrupting or mocking Do I leave room for disagreement? Stop ridicule and listen before replying
Sharing private details Did the person give me permission to share these details? Remove what you posted and ask those you told not to pass it on
Agreeing, then disappearing Do I keep my promises and give early notice if I cannot? Make feasible commitments and give early notice
Pressing after a clear refusal Do I accept “no” as an answer? End pressure and respect the limit
Searching phones, threatening or restricting movement Am I using fear or control? Stop the harm and seek appropriate individual help

Needing attention, intense sadness or being busy does not establish manipulation. Stress still does not erase responsibility for insults or privacy violations.

Acknowledge harm without asking to be comforted

For spreading a friend’s private information: “I shared something you asked me to keep private. That was wrong. I will ask the person not to pass it on and won’t spread your personal details among other people. I understand if you no longer want to tell me private things.”

You need not call yourself a terrible person or require the affected person to reassure you. Explain context without withdrawing responsibility: “I was under pressure, but raising my voice was my responsibility.”

Repair should not add harm. A public apology might spread a secret further; a gift does not resolve financial damage. If contact is welcome, ask what repair is appropriate and act on what you already know you can address.

Specify the next behavior

“I’ll never get angry” does not describe a practical change. Decide what you will do at the next relevant moment: stop interrupting, summarize what you heard, or request an explicit break when you cannot continue without insults.

NHS anger guidance1 recommends noticing early anger, allowing time before reacting and seeking help when coping is difficult. These skills do not reduce surveillance, threats or coercion to a calming problem.

Review whether you stopped the behavior and kept your commitments. Do not require others to monitor you or tolerate repeated harm while you learn.

If fear or control is involved

The Hotline’s self-review guidance2 identifies monitoring, permission requirements and threats as concerning conduct. You do not need a diagnosis before stopping them. Do not repeatedly contact someone who has requested no contact to explain that you have changed.

Seek individual professional help with suitable expertise and describe actual actions. Its accountability guidance3 emphasizes responsibility, stopping blame and accepting consequences; anger skills alone do not replace addressing control.

If you fear you may imminently harm someone, end the confrontation and seek urgent help. Do not prevent them from leaving or seeking protection. For immediate danger in Saudi Arabia, call 997 for an ambulance or 999 for an ongoing assault or immediate security threat, as needed, using the Saudi Red Crescent’s listed numbers4.

If you disagree with the accusation

You can disagree with a sweeping label while accepting a specific accurate criticism: “I don’t agree with that description, but sharing the information was wrong.” If the event itself is disputed, ask for clarification without diagnosing the other person.

Accusations can also be used to silence a legitimate concern. Safe discussion of facts with a trusted person or professional may help. Neither accepting every criticism nor dismissing all criticism is a useful default.

Apology does not guarantee restored trust or a continued relationship. Respecting someone’s refusal of reconciliation is part of accountability. Change remains necessary even without the forgiveness you wanted.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if I am a toxic person?

The label “toxic” provides neither a diagnosis nor a specific change to make. Ask about specific behavior instead: What did I do? Has it happened repeatedly? What was its impact? How can I stop it and repair what is repairable? Examples include mocking during a disagreement, sharing private details without permission or pressing after a clear refusal. Asking does not prove you cause no harm; later actions are what can be observed.

How do I apologize to someone I have hurt?

Acknowledge the specific harm without asking to be comforted, for example: “I shared something you asked me to keep private. That was wrong.” You need not call yourself a terrible person, and you can explain context without withdrawing responsibility. Repair should not add harm; if contact is welcome, ask what repair is appropriate. An apology does not guarantee restored trust or a continued relationship.

How can I stop repeating hurtful behavior?

Specify the next behavior instead of a big promise like “I’ll never get angry.” At the next relevant moment, stop interrupting, summarize what you heard, or request an explicit break when you cannot continue without insults. Afterwards, review whether you stopped the behavior and kept your commitments. Do not require others to monitor you or tolerate repeated harm while you learn.

What should I do if I am afraid I might hurt someone?

If you fear you may imminently harm someone, end the confrontation and seek urgent help. Do not prevent them from leaving or seeking protection. For immediate danger in Saudi Arabia, call 997 for an ambulance or 999 for an ongoing assault or immediate security threat. If you are monitoring someone, requiring your permission or threatening them, stop without waiting for a diagnosis, and do not repeatedly contact someone who has requested no contact to explain that you have changed. Seek individual professional help with suitable expertise and describe actual actions.

What if I am called toxic but disagree?

You can disagree with a sweeping label while accepting a specific accurate criticism: “I don’t agree with that description, but sharing the information was wrong.” If the event itself is disputed, ask for clarification without diagnosing the other person. Accusations can also be used to silence a legitimate concern, so a safe discussion of facts with a trusted person or professional may help.

Writing and article review

Fahad AlmalikWritten byFahad Almalik

Content writer and researcher at Tatmeen, writing in Arabic and English about mental health and everyday life, from relationships and stress to work, habits, and family.

Tatmeen teamMedical reviewTatmeen team

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